Friday, August 22, 2014

It

It came Wednesday morning.  It was like a deja vu moment in the sense that I'd been here before, but actually I had been here before.  It was the same emotions but with words this time.  I shoved them down before as I "put on my big girl pants" and did what I had to do.  I thought I couldn't really deal with all the emotions that went along with It in my life on the first time around, but this time I'm older (maybe more mature?) and I know that pretending doesn't help.  It may prevent the tears, but it reveals the most important thing I've learned in the past thirteen years...
God doesn't need me to make Himself look good.
I don't have to pretend I'm fine with the hard things in this life so people know I have a big God. 
My God is displayed most beautiful in my life when those around me see the real me... a regular girl in a tough world dealing with real, painful things... but finding joy, celebrating and giving BECAUSE of the hope only He can give to this life.
That's a God everyone can relate to!
I admit my auto-pilot is to smile and say things are fine, but it's not because I don't want to be real; but I really don't like the horrified looks that stare back at my tears.
You know what I'm talking about!  It's like the plague!  You try to turn away or better yet, get away but if you can't...
you say something like
"It's okay"
"Don't cry"
"You're strong... you can do this"
But, friends, that's not helpful.  See, it's not okay.  I need to cry.
I wasn't created to do life alone, so I need you.  I need you to wrap your arms around me and help hold me up.  You don't have to relate; you don't have to have answers (it's often best not to say anything); I just need to know that you are there and willing to walk with me... 

Back to It...

Millie got a stander.  (It's a piece of durable medical equipment to help her put weight on her legs)
I was truly grateful as our PT dropped it off at the house.  Getting these things through insurance can be so painful and frustrating, so I was grateful they found someone who grew out of this one and was willing to pass it on to our little gal, But...
I wish I had better words to adequately describe the rush of emotions that accompany these things.  My little brother asked how I was doing with it...
 I said...
You know me...
There are tears... a bit of a pity party (for me and what I want for Millie)
Maybe some cussing (don't judge, I'm just being honest... the other girls weren't around)
Then I pray...
My heart still hurts but my head clears and I can be grateful for my God who carries me during these moments.

We may not understand the circumstances in each others lives that bring us to our knees in a pool of tears, but in having being there... we relate.  I understand being in a place where I need a big God.  I have a big God who never fails to show up. 

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