nine years ago

I was reminiscing about nine years ago today sitting in the pre-op room waiting for the team from neonatology to arrive in order to deliver Abby.  We knew at 21 gestational weeks of Abby's diagnosis, yet what we would see when she arrived was anybody's guess.  The room was sterile, quiet... unsettling, I was safely strapped down,  my face stained from the tears I'd been crying after the latest report from the neonatologist, apprehension for my firstborn & how our lives would change from this moment on & my best friend who I married stroking my face as he visibly struggled to hold himself together... for me.

They said she would be extremely small.  She hadn't grown in a month according to the ultrasounds.  The team would get her out and wisk her away... I might not see her for awhile.  She would likely be deformed. 

She arrived 7lbs. 2 oz.  Her apgars were 9 & 9.  She cried.  I cried.  Everyone in the room cried.  She was perfectly formed.  "I don't know who you're praying to, but it worked- she's beautiful," said the nurse anesthestist.  I was numb.  It was a surreal moment.  She was beautiful.  She is beautiful.  We had the opportunity to have a "normal" child for the next six months.  We didn't know this journey we'd take, but being in denial for awhile because of Abby's outward perfection helps me be patient with other parents who aren't ready either. 

I'm grateful for those months of normalcy.  I'm grateful I didn't know then what I know now.  I'm grateful that days come one at a time.  I'd like to know the future in theory, but in reality I know He gives me one day at a time for a reason... I couldn't handle more.  I've adapted into the person I am today.  I didn't asimply arrive here, but took the journey.  I'm a work in progress & who I am is so closely linked to that perfect tiny hand wrapped around my little finger... nine years ago today. 

bigger picture

Our pastor spoke on martyrdom on Sunday, more specifically Stephen the first martyr.  Martyrdom alone is a big deal by itself, but something about the Biblical account of his stoning has struck a chord with me.  Before they stoned him he basically delivered a sermon that was obviously divinely given to him as the Heavens opened  and he saw Jesus at the right hand of God and spoke of it.  It appears that he knew as he spoke the condemnation upon the religious leaders of his day that he would be killed, but the words were given and spoken to this end anyway .  Can you imagine saying something that would decidedly sign your death sentence?  It's hard to humanly wrap your mind around God's use of Stephan's death for his glory.  It really puts perspective on our insignificance in life and the word "fairness" in general.  The glory of God was exponential because of it, but it's hard to see that death can bring such glory.  Sure, we've seen it, but in this format it's more of a perfectly executed sentence- no pun intended. 

It makes me think of all the times I've said, "I didn't sign up for this."  Who cares?!!  There are a variety of reasons we suffer in this life, but it's not our place to always know the why.  We're just supposed to be faithful in whatever we are called.  I so often wonder why God chose us to be poster children in our world for special needs & now foster care.  I think someone else could've played my role soo much better.  Despite our failures and shortcomings He still calls on us, and I find myself asking why?  I guess His glory is multiplied in our weakness, and I've never seen it more clearly than I do now.  He's glorified so much more in what He does in our lives because we carry a neon sign flashing "look at me" with us wherever we go.  I've gotten used to the spotlight, even though I loathe the stares most of the time; but now I understand more the why. 

If only I could be a better statement worthy to be on display for Him.  What a challenge to be His hands & feet always.  Once again Abby is our challenge to be worthy of the spotlight she brings.  There are so many I know who are going through serious stuff- in the spotlight- maybe that's what it's all about.  Maybe He put you there so others can see Him through you as you do "superhuman" living of your difficult lives & find joy somehow in the process. 

"It's not about waiting for the storm to pass, but learning how to dance in the rain" -author unknown