I.am.disabled

I stood in the pool at a friend's home this week holding Abby in my arms as she repeatedly pulled my hair and hit my face whenever her hands were free from my protective grip. I wondered why she kept wanting to hurt me? I wished with all my being for her to feel how much I loved her... to sense my love and return it. I longed to hear her voice or at least  speak her non verbal language in that moment in a fierce way. I wanted to heal her pain. I wanted to heal her frustrations, but I couldn't... I can't... I may never be able to.

I wonder if that's what the Lord thinks of me? Does He see me like a severely disabled child at times? Does He say, "Why does she keep hurting me? Can't she see how much I love her? Why can't she be content in Me?" He knows His ways are higher than mine, but I keep trying to figure Him out without His help. I try to communicate with Him, but all too often He asks me to be still... silent... listen, and yet I continue to ramble on as if my words are more important. 

I often think how similar my desires for Abby echo those of my Heavenly Father's to me:
  • I'd give anything in this life to give Abby peace... Christ wants to give me that
  • I'm calling her to me because I just want to cuddle her, but she doesn't hear me or she can't... I'm frustrated and calling out to my HIM uaware I'm tucked safely in HIS arms.
  • Instead of lying still, I have to hold her down to help her... He often allows trials (painful ones) to hold me down so He can help me
  • She must be locked in or gated off to keep from hurting herself... He lays down boundaries to keep me from being hurt
  • Any form of discipline takes months if it works at all... how often do I keep doing the same things over and over and over again just to suffer the same consequences?
  • She hurts anyone around her to get attention... I hurt those around me when I strive for the wrong attention
  • She speaks a different language... I try to understand God in human terms
  • I've presented our world to her in pictures, gestures, and music, yet she responds not... He reveals Himself in words, people, situations, creation, yet I often chose to flounder in the darkness
  • She needs crazy sensory inputs daily so we swing, spin, brush, squeeze, rub, push/pull... HIS blessings fill my senses, yet we still need more
  • I lie next to her in bed as she sleeps just to be near her without being hurt... Whether I hurt Him or not He's still there beside me
  • She needs consistency and routines to organize her life... we spin our wheels organizing when He just wants to lead us through the chaos rather than straightening it up to walk through alone
  • She can't tell me where the pain is... I try to heal my own pains, so I don't tell Him either
  • She lives in a different world than we do and I so long to be a part of hers... He wants me to live in His world with His help, but too often I choose to walk in mine alone
  • Can't she feel how much I love her and would give my very life for her... He already gave His life for me

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