happy abby

If she has multiple personalities, I vote to keep this one. I think we're going on a couple of weeks now, so I feel it's safe to post. She's just content without any psycho meds to credit or to blame.

It's just her.

My Abby.

About a two months ago I said goodbye to happy Abby and was undergoing the process of accepting the new angry Abby. She's been so angry, at least for the most part, over the past year and a half that we're fresh out of excuses. We needed to adjust to the shock and awe of insanity she had become and try our best to love this resident of the crazyland in her head. We were doing our best not to let our family's rhythm spiral downward with her, but honestly I wasn't doing a great job of it.

I've been able to hug and kiss my girl once again. I actually took a nap with her last week. It may seem simple to you, but taking a nap means that I was able to lie next to her as she fell asleep... without being mauled. It's been so long since I've been able to be that close without her being asleep that I almost forget what it was like to hug her all day like I can now. I walk by her and hug and kiss her and can't believe she's not attacking me. My only pseudo attack was when she pulled my hair to draw me closer to her! My hands are healing, I don't have one open wound on either hand, and my head isn't sore from losing hair.

MaryAlice kissing Abby & Abby letting her

Our sermon on Sunday continued a series on suffering and it got me thinking. It was on His Ways Being Higher Than Ours. We've been at this "highs and lows" thing for quite some time now. Our last year has "upped the ante" for our faith, but, even though it's been a lot tougher in many ways, it's also been way better. The circumstances have changed and the forecast still seems to predict possible storms on the horizon, but I fear these less than I used to because we're stronger. I hesitate to put that on paper because it sounds cocky. I'm far from thinking or saying, "we're up to any challenge, so bring it on God." But that's just it. I don't think I ever really thought I was questioning God. I never shook my hands at Him and thought that I was above this. I guess I never really thought I was worthy of questioning Him.

Now that you think I'm completely full of myself... I'll crash for you. I may never have put it into those words, but my actions and attitudes revealed what was really in my heart. I grew up "right", so I never dared question God. I have always known His ways are higher than mine, but did I really see that it all made sense on a bigger scale than just my life in this moment? Did I really think that He had a higher purpose and plan, and that it was ultimately good? I may have said yes, but did I really believe it? Could all of this have happened on His purposeful watch? Could He have ordained it from the beginning of time? I've always said that Abby is exactly who God created her to be, and if I believe that, then He chose us to walk this road on purpose. We can redeem this, or we can live a life of regret.

I've talked about the blessings and curses of Abby, but who am I that could be worthy to wear this badge for His honor? Why would He chose us to be worthy of His glory? We're on display, on purpose to, show our world His greatness and perfection. I'm unworthy of the task and numb with the reality of His intentionality in our lives. I never would've admitted my questions even to myself because I was afraid of the answers that my flesh would've revealed; they just didn't add up to who I thought God was.

Today I know more about who He is, and the reality of the enormity of our task in this life moves me greatly. Like Esther, we were chosen for such a time as this. In fact, each of us is given a greater mission. This life is so much bigger than me. No matter who I wake up to in the morning, whether happy or crabby Abby, He is still good. God is worth it whether my day is full of joy or painful. No matter what happens we walk boldly because He's working a higher plan; weaving a bigger picture that I cannot see or understand... but IT IS GOOD.

Abby and MaryAlice are coloring together

In case I haven't blown you away with Abby's sudden changes she just sat on the toilet and pooed! I know we often sound like a nursing home with our talk, but seriously that's huge! She hasn't gone in the toilet for at least a year. I know it's only one day, but it's one day I don't have to change a dirty diaper after she's fallen asleep in her bed! I'm sort of beside myself tonight! She stopped and kissed EVERYONE goodnight on her way up the stairs!!!!! Daddy got two arms around the neck and a pull in hug with her head on his shoulder- there were waterworks (not just from me). I let go of this dream and now it's a gift. There's no limit to what He can do. I thought I'd never see her walk, but look at her now. I do still pray for talking, or at least some form of effective communication... if you were wondering how to pray.

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