Restraints

I doubted God's goodness today.
(If I'm honest... yesterday was touch and go as well)
We rode the forty five minutes home from therapy safely for the first time in...
quite some time.
I've begged anyone who would listen for help the past few months, but now I'm tired and hope is a rare commodity in my head.
All the cliche's I've been holding on to and preaching to myself are falling on deaf ears...
mine.
I white knuckled the steering wheel grateful I wasn't being pinched, pulled or kicked because...
The new restraints worked.
We were all safe in the car for the first time in months
but...
my little girl has to be restrained.
I can't go from carrying that sweet little bundle in my arms to using restraints
and not be forever changed.
I was glad the sun was out so I could wear my sunglasses to hide the tears.
There are no words to make this okay.
I tried to be grateful...
to think of all our blessings...
I ended up with the hope of the empty grave which led to Heaven
Yes, that is real.
I feel His nearness and grace on my life to the core of my being because it alone got me out of bed this morning...
I know He's using this life for His glory and my good.
It will be good, but
I have no frame of reference for eternity.  I've never done "forever".
I live in the moments of today, and...
today hurts
It reflects the groanings and ugliness of the here and now.
There is so much brokenness in this day.
The pains are real.
I love her so much it hurts sometimes.  I gaze at her through the bars of her enclosed bed.  Reality is she is safe and content in her space, but with my mom glasses I see my baby locked up.  My instincts tell me to wrap my arms around her and hold her until her body calms and can make it all better, yet my bruises are real and I know that's not the answer regardless of my desire.  It's just not what we've been given.  I let my hands bring me to my knees because that's the only place I know to go.
Complete Surrender...
Broken,  I enter the throne room and unload the wreckage.  I've been carrying expectations, and trying to hold on to things I'm not equipped to bare.   So I lay them down believing He is able, yet dragging some back to the room with me... Argh... why can't I just let it all go?
I can't make this life okay for her... or me.
The truth is she has a purpose here, in our lives...   yesterday, today and tomorrow... and I'm grateful for it even though it's hard.
"For now we see in a mirror, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know fully even as also I was fully known.(I Cor 13:12)
What am I left with?
I trust the arms that carry me...
One step at a time

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