Monday, September 8, 2014

Don't Send Me...

I thought I wanted to do a study on Isaiah.  “Here I am, Lord… send me”  (Is. 6)  Sounds so noble and in my wonderful humility thought this would pat me on the back and send me off to a “job well done”… NOT SO MUCH 
“Here I am, Lord, stop sending me,” is more what I find myself saying.
Enough, already… is my knee jerk reaction, yet I don’t want to just make it through this life.
Okay, maybe sometimes I do... right now, perhaps; but I don't want to stay in that place.  I could go for a good SUPER BORING week... or two... maybe three :) But ultimately I do want to make a difference.
UGH.... I just never realized what kind of work that would have to be done in order to be of any use.  I’ve spent years polishing up the outside to look good (still a work in progress... I don't need any commentary here), maybe sweeping out some dusty areas, but the ugly rooms of my soul have been locked up tight
“Mold me and make me into a useful vessel,” I’ve said.
Not as much fun as I would’ve thought.
More like a tug of war for the control of my head and limbs.  My heart says, “I’m all yours.”  My head says this is painful, a lot of work and “No, thank you!” may come out more often than "Here I am, Lord, send me."
For those of you who know me, I’ve tried to live my life by two words: “Yes, Lord… Yes, Lord to anything you ask of me… anytime, anywhere" (Anne Kiemel quote).  Sure, that sounds lovely you may say, but in reality it’s something I’d often like to go back on. You see, early on in my naivety I didn’t realize what that would entail.  I have more days that I want to just get through than actually open myself up to more.  Yet, I want the blessings of more without all the work it takes to let myself be molded into the person HE wants me to be…
I’m finally getting into a study I’ve been wanting to do since I read through the Bible last year and realized I had never done a study on the prophets.  I spent entirely too much time reading and having no idea what I was reading about.  I don't like feeling so lost :(
Many people love Isaiah and Jeremiah, so I wanted to see what all the buzz was about and get into it.  A woman I respect suggested the Kay Arthur study Face to Face with a Holy God.  I’ve never done a Kay Arthur study, being I’m such a Beth Moore fan, but I’ve wanted to so this study a win-win for me. 
Where am I, you ask? 
…and it ain’t pretty (I live in the south now and it’s gonna come out :).  I thought He owed me something because “I went” when He said GO.  I gave HIM  my resume and the more I got into it, I was no longer proud of it...
I’m so very beyond myself and desperately needing to start living more and more in His power rather than mine.  I’m leaning on Him more because I have no other choice, yet seriously, I'm trying to justify myself to a holy God.  I'm comparing myself to some sort of low personal standard rather than the one God holds me to... 
and I don't stand a chance until I remember the plans I have for me, good plans, but then I see
"Exceedingly, abundantly more than I could ask or imagine..."
I'll take those instead, please...

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