Friday, June 6, 2014

I am Just not enough... on purpose

The girls pitch in more now that there isn't always help around
There are so many "old themes" that hit the replay button in this life.  Most are struggles that rear their ugly heads from time to time with the same emotions just wearing different suits.  The situations change, but the struggles don't.  I'm reminded of the age old saying, "This too shall pass" as I hit a new group of friends and acquaintances.  My struggles are just as real now as they were before, but I do know each will pass...
but there will be new ones to take their place.
This place may bring more difficulties with all the "new-ness" but they are still just challenges.  In time each will fade, but new ones will move to the forefront as each stage of life brings new hurdles to jump.
I was reminded this week of a sermon I heard from John Piper a couple years back as he spoke at a disability conference.  He spoke of the human ability to have more than one emotion at the same time.  For instance, I can celebrate the birth of a baby at the same time I mourn over the death of a loved one.  We are able to experience them together... at the same time.
This is a beautifully important fact as I do this life of so many ups and downs.  There can be joy in the midst of both great joy and dark sadness!  These two emotions can coexist.  I don't have to wait for the waves to subside or look longingly to the mountain top from the valley below, I can live in the serious joy of knowing He is working to make something beautiful out of my life regardless of where I stand.
We danced in the rain until it stopped and we needed the sprinkler!

There is hope.
The tomb was empty & I have a real God who definitely not dead.  That same spirit who raised Jesus from the dead is alive working in my life to bring about something beautiful.  
I can have a serious, deep joy in the midst of any kind of pains.  Whether I'm cleaning up another broken glass or we're staying in again because we can't clear Abby's bowels in order to go to a public pool, I can rest in the fact that this is the life He's given me.  He didn't make a mistake.  I can be assured that He knew what He was doing and hears when my girls cry themselves to sleep because they miss their friends back home and our attempts at new ones are difficult at best.   I can tell them that God loves them and that He has a good plan for their lives as well, and believe that He will be faithful to them just as He is to me.  I can be sad, yet hopeful in His promises...  
all at the same time.
Seriously, this was in my fortune cookie!

This was a tough week.  I did spend a good bit of it in tears and on my knees.  I do not know what He's doing, but I trust Him anyway because He's faithful.  I need help.  I second guess past decisions because being in the midst of a storm always makes me wonder if Jesus really sent the disciples into the middle of the sea knowing a storm was coming or if the Bible left out the detail that they snuck away?  It's hard to trust that when things aren't going so well I can still be in the middle of the storm...
entirely in His will for my life.  
So... I doubt... I cry... I fuss... then...
Right when I'm despairing about having someone from the agency actually show up or if they'll ever send someone I could trust to stay with my girl, God sends me two gals in 24hrs.  Just in case I think it's coincidence (because I'm bull headed like that)...
They are both named DANIELLE! (for those who don't know us, one of our previous pca's is named Danielle and she is like a sister to me)
This is the exact leather couch (actually a bit bigger) we wanted to buy at Haverty's but decided it was too much, and just found it on Craigslist 1 yr old for half the price!  Sure, that's some coincidence!

No, it isn't an instant fix.  Training new people for three weeks is exhausting.  Training one person is tiring but continually training new people and trying to get them to see My Abby girl and the beauty of who she is through my eyes... there aren't adequate words.
I want to take matters into my own hands and just take care of her myself...
I cannot and it makes me angry
It's humiliating because I desire to do life self sufficiently
Even though I'm called not to do life alone,  I fight against my weak body that grows weaker with each passing year.  Truth is, I don't really care about the added number I obtained this week on the day of my birth, but on the reality that knocks at my door...
I can do less than I used to.
I need other people more and more.
Even though they bless me, and they are beautiful and good, I still... in the deepest, darkest places inside of me...
want desperately to be able to do it without help.  All this headache is because I live a life that cripples me.  I have four daughters that require more care than I can provide as their mom.  Intellectually I know God's way is best, but... my heart wants to be more... do more... be enough.
I know I'm not supposed to me enough because God is the only one who is (but doesn't mean I still don't fight it)
Somewhere in my mind I am a better mom if I can deliver whole, adjusted girls to God when the time is right (whatever that means).  I plan on giving over the reigns.  Seriously, I don't want to bring my girls with their scars and holes to God.  He gave them to me and I want to be worthy of the job He entrusted of me.  I know my faults and the wounds they carry give them a need for God.  Their lives aren't perfect on purpose.  Not by me.  If I had more of a say, I'd make their lives as happy as they could possibly be.  I'd be Martha Stewart (minus the prison term), I'd cook clean and decorate to perfection.  I'd cart them around town from one event to the next as they perfected some instrument, dance move or curve ball; but instead we make lop-sided trinket boxes, color sheets from simple coloring books with old fashioned crayons and eat dinner together nearly every night... even if it's more often take out than I'd like.  A special night is a bowl of popcorn or a milkshake while snuggled up together watching a movie...
That's not so bad :)
I guess He's trying to tell me that He can fill in the gaps with grace.  He's molding them into the women He wants them to be.  I can be His vessel to mold them for his purpose or I can fight for what I want.  I have a feeling His plans are FAR better than mine.  He'll do a much better job.  I need to free them to be all that He wants them to be rather than fighting for what I want them to be. 
 

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