Sunday, July 20, 2014

comeback

Comeback

Everyone likes a comeback story!  You know, the kind where the underdog pulls through for the big upset, or the former athlete turned addict celebrates recovery and becomes a motivational speaker...
Our sermon in church on Sunday was about returning to The Lord... A comeback; but all I could hear was the "best was yet to come" and wonder if it was for me.

I believe the LORD has a new start for us here. We will be strong again. I know disability isn't a "game over" sign from God, but sometimes I feel l like it so consumes our life that we don't have time to get into the game with the rest of the world.  I feel like we're so often on the sidelines, but Sunday I kept hearing that still small voice say...

"Comback... that's for you not just them."

Treading water

Treading water doesn't have to define me .  I want to write about it like it was a time gone by.  To see everything turning up roses as all the pieces of the puzzle slip into place.  That's not my story today... at least not entirely... yet; but I'm hopeful that although this doesn't feel like a comeback... it is the start.
I want... I keep waiting... I keep hoping for a different tomorrow... it's that optimism is that keeps me going.  I may not need to return to the Lord, but I do need to return to the hope I have in Him.  The hope of not just making it, but making a difference. 

I'm given today with all its bumps and bruises.

This girl in this family.

Better

It's not always what I want it to be or what I dreamed for my life.  I wish the words could be an easier pill to swallow sometimes, but in so many ways it's better.   I see the good. I feel the blessings in each day.  It's not bad, and most likely it's better than who I'd be with easier circumstance...
It's just that this reality is a tough road... really tough right now in a new city/state with my family twenty four hours away.

I don't know what The Lord is doing, but I do know my story isn't lost in His mind.  He is at work whether I can see it or not.
The good in this life is what gets me out of the bed in the morning.  If I didn't feel those bright spots, I'd be paralyzed and more disabled than my girl.
This life here in Florence isn't easy.  It's more struggle than joys right now.  I've been given good gifts along the way, but the dark days overshadow much of the good. 

Summer

This summer has been one of the toughest of my life...  
Just admitting it in writing brings tears.  I've never felt more alone than I do here.  Relationships are sooo messy.  They take so much time and energy... physically and emotionally.
TIME
I just don't have the time, and once you mix in other people's lack of time and/or enthusiasm to reciprocate...
This life is sometimes just too much.
We've tried to sneak in a mini vacation to get some time away, but truthfully it ended up being more draining than filling of my empty cup.
I sit for my time with the Lord each day and wonder if He's pouring into a pile of shattered porcelain rather than the dainty Victorian piece I picture myself to be.  I may be growing older, have my share of chips and stains, but I still thought there was some resemblance to the princess I thought I was?

Not my best moment

While my disability mom friends enjoy their month of therapy and time off from their special ed kids at camp, I'm feel frustrated and alone.  I know it's ugly to say.  I know I should be a better friend and rejoice with them, but instead I had to hide the daily camp postings because I have a visceral response to seeing them.  I don't have the capacity to celebrate their kids' successes while enduring my own pain. Can't really be upset at such a wonderful ministry other than the fact that I'm can't partake in it.

This place in time

I don't understand why the Lord brought us here?   It seems like there could've been a million other places with better, more efficient healthcare and people who need/want to make new friends.  I have some beautiful, dear "sisters" here, but I'm used to a bigger support system so I don't overwhelm the few I have.  I fear every time I open up that it's going to be too much.
I don't know how to live here.
I'm beat up... physically and emotionally

This is what I opened my computer to write about, but I couldn't lead with it...

Restrained

I had to call for a prescription for a car restraining device for Abby this week.   I have no idea what that looks like, but I picture something akin to what I've seen in prison movies.  I swallow my tears now as I did this week when trying to calmly explain to the nurse what I needed.  Abby can reach the driver in the front seat, as well as the baby in her car seat in the back... It sucks!
My wounds have scabbed up and my bruises turned yellow from our "vacation", but I'm drowning in my humiliating inability to keep my other girls and myself safe when in close proximity to my Abby.
How can she be the same sweet girl who tries to kiss the baby and share her toys with her in one breath and make me bleed and/or bruised in the next?  She'll pull me into bed to cuddle, but then grab me so hard she makes this grown woman sob.

We do have good parts to our day, and I'm most grateful for her enclosed bed to contain her; but her aggression takes a piece of me (literally and figuratively) as I wonder about her future... that's the most I can say now as that reality is like a dark space in my heart where I just can't go.  A door I've sealed because any glimpse into it breaks my heart.  I don't know what to do with my child... today or tomorrow.  I say this as my help for the summer is also coming to an end when one of the gals goes back to work full time at school and the other goes back to another state for school.  I'm back where I started again... nothing.  Praying once again for help.  No possibilities and few connections to find anyone. 



Millie and Mama out to dinner with Daddy on our mini vacation :)

1 comment:

  1. Oh Allison. This sounds so crappy. I am so sorry. I hope that some amazing friends come into your life soon.

    ReplyDelete

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