Saturday, November 9, 2013

I asked for grace in bulk

I asked for grace in bulk to get me through the next few months...
packing my life up,
Andy leaving us the last three weeks of this pregnancy,
having a newborn via C-section
him across the country for another few weeks,
planning for Christmas while taking care of this house
packing the rest up and actually leaving...
with a destination I've never been to
I don't know anyone or have any help with Abby, a newborn and two other sweeties who actually need a mom too...

okay...
you get the idea.  It's overwhelming. Way bigger than me.

So...
I asked for grace sufficient for this journey, but
He said,  "My grace is sufficient for today."  -2 Cor. 12:9
Trying to save up enough grace from today to make it through tomorrow only robs today of the grace I need to get through this day.
His mercies are new every morning.
I just need to have the faith that He'll make good on the grace for tomorrow... and the next day... and then the day after that

I'd like to say I've been a pillar of strength and have rested so contentedly in this promise, but...
the truth is too many of you have seen me in the past few weeks, and I've never been a very good liar :)
The first weekend I cried so hard I couldn't even leave the house.
The third weekend I spent in tears as well as it started a series of  "lasts" with Andy's last Sunday in church.
Thursday I cried silent tears all day.  I thought I kept them from Andy so he didn't have to endure my tears with his own fears of leaving us, but I eventually broke down into sobs.  I cried in his arms for the rest of the night until he left.  We've been through a lot... together.  That's it.  We've always done it together.  I feel he's been my gift to share this life, but I've had to dig deeper and realize he is a gift but he's not to replace the one who I'm supposed to lean on.  We can share this life, but the brawn that holds us upright and together isn't the magic of us... but the mystery of Him.  My God is the only one who can hold me... when everything falls apart.  This song has been playing in my head...


I could barely sleep Thursday night.  I was exhausted... sad... hurting... overwhelmed.  Friday I spent with my sister and went to bed early with my girls.  After a good night sleep I woke up refreshed with a new perspective.  Another friend, Courtney, came by for a visit and helped me go through our winter clothes.  I purged a bunch of stuff we didn't need now and wouldn't be taking with us.  Lovely day of tea and accomplishing a project on my list.  My folks made dinner and MaryAlice and I headed home for a "stay date".  I have a passing thought that these few weeks might actually be do-able. 
I did rest in those promises... for few days.  I even made it through church as it was nice to get there early and be met by Nate who helped unload the girls.  I did tear a bit as a lovely friend, Cheryl,  handed me the softest blanket I've ever felt that she had made for our baby.  I did well until things started to deteriorate when Abby spent the afternoon taking turns crying and screaming... and I lost it.  

I tried to be thankful for the extra hour of sleep thanks to daylight savings...
getting ready and out of the house really early for church
Danielle who was with us all day, but...

the crying girl & no idea how to help her gets me every time.  

I put the headphones on and turned the music up...
Here's what was playing: 




It hit me as a mom that was chosen to carry Abby.  He chose me to be her mom, but He didn't leave me there... He promised to carry me through this life with her as well.  I thought of the mom this song was written for and her empty arms.  He chose life for Abby.  He didn't have to but He did.  I'm grateful for her in my life and the constant reminder of my complete need of Him as I mother her.
By five o'clock she finally stopped crying.  I still don't know what is/was wrong but as she calmed, so did my body and there's still a chance to get a good night's sleep without having to get up early in the morning for school as it's a day off.
Another blessing in disguise :)
Blessings are there... all around... all the time...
I chose whether I rest in the promises and blessings or if I am overcome with despair and the hopelessness of it all.  

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for this beautiful post and your transparency. He did carry you...good thing He didn't give you a glimpse of what the next 8 weeks would hold. BUT HE WAS THERE and still is carrying you!

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