|Father's Day out to dinner|
trips to the lake or beach to make sandcastles and splash in the water
more time to work on behaviors and gain a new skill
digging in the dirt and smelling the flowers at the Rose Garden
Canal park to watch the ships come in
parks, parks and more parks
a long drive down south and fun times with cousins we don't get to see very much
freckled faces, bike rides and jumping on the trampoline
drives up the shore and throwing rocks into the water
Gardening with Grandpa or swimming at Ms Ethel's
Hoping we can soak up enough vitamin D to make it through the winter hibernation (I know it's not possible, but a girl can dream, right?)
Abby has been aggressive, but the past few days we've made some med changes and she seems to be improving which is great! We've started a routine that includes leaving the house every morning. She's been talking (making verbal noises) again, which is a good indication she's happier :) Andy and I have been taking Belle and MaryAlice out without Abby and trying to get used to doing that more as their idea of fun and hers is often quite different. We know our lives can't completely stop when Abby's like this, but how do you turn mom off and not keep doing everything you can until you figure it out?
Our goal is still to have Abby live in our world, but it just may look different than I wanted it to. Just because it doesn't meet my expectations doesn't mean I spend the rest of my life sulking in the reality while missing out on other possibilities. Our new normal might be less of her with us, but that doesn't mean she's out. Just because I feel like a failure of a mom to have not found a way to make it happen doesn't mean I miss the bigger picture of having two other girls who need to have a childhood and the fact that Abby doesn't mind (or even know) she's being excluded.
I thought (my hopes and dreams, not hers) that if we had a PCA with us we could include her and do anything that "normal" people do. Sure it's a bit more costly and we get less privacy, but we've embraced the blessing of these girls and focused on what they bring to our lives. They get to see us as we are w/o make-up, spilling tears and yelling at the kids when we shouldn't. We've lived in community and have been about as real as possible with these girls over the years. Now they not only help her be with us as much as possible, but allow us to do things without her more often than not. As Abby's needs have greatly increased so has our lack of privacy. I'm scheduling for twelve hours a day this summer. I can't even make a meal or do laundry w/o someone here. I'm not only okay with someone here but grateful. They can take Abby where she wants to be.
Our goals this summer are to keep her happy and the rest of us safe :) Funny how quickly our goals change. I intended to hit her communication device this summer. We even purchased an ipad for her (and Daddy) to practice communication, but now I'm working on putting her Veggie Tales silly songs and Vivaldi on there to add more ways of calming her down. Potty training and feeding herself have been on the top of our lists for years now, but...
We had one day of Happy Abby and a breath of calm when things fell apart. Molly walked in and told us Mik was leaving for the rest of the summer. Although we are excited about her opportunity to go be a trail guide in SD, I was moments away from a panic attack. Surprising I've never had one, but I think I did the other day as I thought someone was sitting on my chest and I was having a hard time breathing. I'll grieve this as soon as I have a moment to process it, but in the meantime it's been a mad race to figure out what to do as Danielle left yesterday for ten days. I couldn't post my losing it while she was here or I risked letting her enjoy her missions trip to a place she loves. See, I usually start hiring for summer in March so the girls have time to get to know Abby and see if they can handle her for longer periods of time. School help usually only has her for a few hours after school, but summer help has to be able to keep her busy for long periods of time. It's just a good way to train someone in slowly so they're not overwhelmed. I was able to hire someone rather quickly, but the reality of someone new w/o experience is a lot of training one-on-one time with me. I wonder if it's even worth it because by the time she's comfortable taking Abby out, it will most likely be time for her to go back to school. I know I'm being pessimestic, but facts are facts. I could pretend it's all fine, but that doesn't do anyone any good.
Once again this applies, "It's okay to cry... as long as you stop."
Happy Abby showed again this morning, so maybe the meds are doing the trick. We needed a weight suppressant to combat all the hormones, so maybe they were a blessing in disguise because I probably wouldn't have tried them again if we hadn't needed to curb her appetite. With a barrage of doctor appointments we did find out that she is progressing quickly through puberty and she could be done with all the hormones in six months to a year. That would be beautiful!!! We're dealing with her changing body... my baby girl in a big girl body isn't the easiest; but once again it's what is best for her rather than me :) I'll preach that to myself again and again in the next year I'm sure.