Friday, October 15, 2010

I've got little to say



All in all this has been a quiet week.  Andy was travelling which means we usually stay close to home, so we're  I'm not so tired when the girls get home from school.  I've been pretty lean in the PCA area for weeknights, but I also haven't been real aggressive in the recruitment arena since Abby's been such a happy honey.  I do enjoy spending the time with her.  I can also get so out of touch with what's going on with her if I'm not physically doing bedtime with her, but it is also draining as it is quite labor intensive.  She's up to 70 lbs. now and little progress on the communication thing.  It also reminds me how much  I've missed my little love.  We've been "buddies" for almost ten years now.  I've also grown in my appreciation of her hugs and kisses along with the smiles and giggles.  I'll not grow tired or weary of the mundane of her care while she blesses me with something in return...

The Lord has used Abby to teach us a thing or two about agape love.  We love without any expectation of reciprocation of any kind.  She has been through seasons of apparent indifference and those of obvious intentional affection.  The desert seasons of  not only lack of love, but the replacement of that affection with aggression wounds me to the core of who I am... I don't need much.  I set my own needs aside every day, yet it's like payday when I get those pudgy arms around my neck and the sweet voice whispering in my ear, "I wuv you mommy."  See, it doesn't take much to fill my cup... or so I thought

 hmmm...  moments like this take my breath away

to think of all my Savior has done for me, yet what I have to offer back slaps me back to the reality I call my life.

apparent indifference vs. obvious intentional affection... ohhhh! how I live in both places with Him too.  My love for Him is oft not so easily seen or readily felt by Him or those around me.  Oh! if only I could learn to love like He does... constant and unconditional

In walks Abby.  My love for her is just that... always and forever.  True, self sacrificing, and completely vulnerable because I can be that with her.  I love her because of who she is...mine- not for what she does or doesn't do.  Simply, perfectly exactly the way she is.  All of her.  From her beautiful "growing into a young lady" in body, yet childishness trapped inside, from the tips of her tiny toes to her glowing head of hair.  I love her.  I'd do anything for her...

a glimpse into the heart of my Heavenly Father.  He's teaching me to love not only this vulnerable angel he placed into my arms, but if showing me that if I'm capable of that kind of love with her...

 I can be with you too.  Be careful what you pray for, He might just answer your prayers.

I'm trying to edit my post and am laughing at my entirely uneventful thoughts of this week.  Andy was gone.  I did a bigger doctor visit alone, a blood draw drama of two pokes and a lot of blood pouring from her arm when the needle fell out, and an x-ray.  The day ended with a ride home with a very angry Abby (and rightly so) trying to take it out on MaryAlice who just happened to be within her arms length and MA sobbing while I nearly hyper-extend my arm trying to hold Abby's arm so she couldn't pinch her baby sister.  Wednesday I spent my hours "off duty" making and delivering pies for a school fundraiser.  Thursday night Andy came home and we took turns holding a sick Abby and cleaning up vomit.  I tell myself that I'm a veteran "special" parent that's why these things don't move me like they used to and they're barely worth mentioning, but in keeping true to my efforts to be open these are the good days I don't share.  Maybe you'll see behind the smirky fake smile I put on because I haven't been able to process the crazy myself.

2 comments:

  1. Enjoyed the post. I love your honesty. I'm not completely there yet, but you encourage me. You're always making me tear up and then I can't even explain why. But I think it's the honesty. Stay blessed. I pray good things for your family.

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  2. I'm utterly convicted, Allison. I take too much for granted with my children, who are "normal." I am in such a war of wills and battle of attitudes with my nearly 8 year old right now. It really brings me to my knees. I am so undone most days and feel like I have no answers. You are amazingly strong (even though I am sure you don't feel that way most of the time). Your honesty is much appreciated.

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