Tuesday, September 7, 2010

second try



I'm writing for the second time about being real. I wrote on Sunday, but couldn't post it. That's real, I guess. I've fought hard to find the life I think I should be living rather than the one I am living. I've taken great pains to look like the person I want others to see.

I decided many years ago that the life I had wasn't conducive to friends. I convinced myself that I needed to figure out how I could live in one life and yet portray a picture of something different, more desirable. I hate being disingenuous, but knew I couldn't live without friends. I felt I was destined to be that way if I didn't find a way to compartmentalize my pains and confusion.

So I've found a way to work out my tears in private, in an effort to be less of a downer. I thought I could be myself in my world at home or with different friends and family at different times, so no one would have to take it all in.  It took a lot of work to run to my God first when things came crumbling down.  I wanted to run to Andy, but it wasn't fair for me to ask him to be what God needed to be in my life.  I had to forgive him for not being God a long time ago.  As I've written before, if I focus on the struggles of each day than I get negative (like anyone).  I choose not to talk about it all because it would make me focus on it.  I choose to let go of the down parts by blogging and put on the genuine happy face because it's not always bad.  There are always challenges in each day.  Sure, they're more than most; but who wants to talk to someone who can always trump their bad days?  I'm thankful to have some friends who could trump me too on most days.  It gives me perspective.  Although, I can't say that I think she's negative when she shares her struggles.  Maybe it's in the way we do it.  Get it out then don't live there.  hmmm... not sure I can do that.

I also think I'm a bit of  a better friend for this approach.  I've even begun blogging to let people read about what I don't or can't share.  It seems perfectly healthy to be able to talk about it all without crying all the time.  I was okay with this until Sunday when our missional community church plant group took a turn for the personal.  I can't share this stuff on a regular basis, and I'm not convinced anyone wants to hear it.  That's why I blog, so they don't have to hear it if they don't want to.  It frees me up to do life.  I obviously don't care about being too open and honest as I do that here, but when Andy shared aloud I got this huge pit in my stomach and wanted to run away.  He didn't share anything more than his heart which echoed mine, but I still bristled because I had to look them all in the face afterward.  I've had too many people glaze over when I start to talk about our crazy and I couldn't bare to see that in their faces.  I didn't want to talk about it.  I was okay with their sharing, and nothing they could have said would make me want to walk away, but putting my own life out there made me want to never come back. 

The pit in my stomach still is there two days later and I can't figure out why.  I don't mind being wrong... exactly, but I think I'm more unsure if this whole being perfectly open can work.  I don't think people really want to hear my problems day in and day out.  I think they'll get sick of it.  I don't know how to be real in public without losing it.  It's one thing to break down in tears in front of my computer screen, but in front of a group I want to see again makes me sick to my stomach.  I like my world the way it is.  Maybe that's okay.  I intend to do some research on how open my friends think I am.  Maybe my lack of face to face openness is frustrating.  I'm good at offering advice, but do I open up to it myself? 

I know that I felt I've been better at being transparent, but I also sat in the hospital room with Abby and wondered where all my friends were.  I knew I wanted them all to be there, but sitting here now I know I didn't communicate that at all.  I pushed it aside and extended grace for those who could  have come but didn't.  Now I wonder about why I thought I had made it clear we needed support, but then no one came.  Maybe my hidden world was to blame.  It stinks when I hold the blame for my own pains.  I'm a bit numb writing this because I realize my faults.

8 comments:

  1. Thank you for the honesty in your words on this page. It is nice to know the human side to people and not the perfect side. May God bless you and keep you and cover you with his wings. Psalm 91. From jeni

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  2. we all live in a world like that at times, i'm afraid - thinking people don't want to hear the negative. but, i think they do. they want to know that they aren't abnormal in their weaknesses. they want to know how you do it. how do you deal with that life that God has given you. because when some kind of crazy comes knocking on their door, they need to know that it will all be okay. not easy, but okay. and you are that example. so share away!

    you are a better friend because of your situation, i'm sure of it. you have a perspective that most never will. you know the depths of lonely, even when surrounded by people (the worst kind of loneliness, i imagine). but i hope you know you aren't alone. maybe sometimes you make it through because your friends are lifting you up - and i know you want physical support because that's the human, maybe the womanly way and that's okay, too - but maybe the spiritual is helping to keep you going. that's what i hope when i've been in that place of alone thinking nobody understands this kind of crazy. hoping that my friends are with me in prayer, even if they aren't bringing me a latte! (which i would prefer, but maybe not what i need at that moment). we love you guys.

    hoping to encourage you in this place -

    sarah:)

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  3. What a marvelous blog! So honest and truthful. It is very serendipitous as today I broke away from some people whom I considered friends. I realized they are in a different place on some issues and it hurts to pull away. I know that in the long run it's better for me. I had purchased a book a few years ago about a woman's quest for friendships. A "How to Make Friends" book for women. I felt sad that I was resorting to buy a book on making friends. I long for deep friendships. Thank you for letting yourself out there - at least on your blog. I'd love to be your true friend - with your flaws, crazy life and all. Hugs Gina

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  4. I've felt that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. The feeling you're not sure if the heart you just let out into the world will be be received, cherished; if people can stand to look at it without cringing. I pray you can find freedom in letting it out there, even just here. You are loved.

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  5. i think i would be full of doom and gloom if i were in your position. you do an amazing job, don't be so hard on yourself.

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  6. Trust me, your honesty always does me good. And I know what it feels like to feel like you don't have anything good to say. I think you can see from the other comments that when you are open it does more good than you would ever think. God bless you on this journey. Still wishing I oculd be closer to offer better support.

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  7. I know what you mean. There have been times I've been upset with my friends for not being there for me in the right way when I felt I have always been there for them. If it's a close friend, i delicately let them know how I am feeling so we can support each other better.

    Nice to “meet you.” My son has 18 q deletion syndrome. Here is my post explaining how we found out shortly after he turned 2.

    http://wolfsonsafari.blogspot.com/2010/05/answer.html

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  8. Oh Allison you always have a way of moving my heart! I do love you and your family very much! I know it is hard to throw your garbage on the table and hope people don't see it and walk away. I think Sara is spot on. I know that you and your family are continually covered in prayer. I love when you are genuine, when your shield comes down and you show the crazy blessings that God has given you. At those times I feel that maybe I can give something back to you. Maybe I can be the blessing that you have been for me. You are a beautiful woman Allison and your heart for God is lovely. I feel so blessed to be a part of your craziness and call you a friend.

    much love and prayer

    Meg

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