Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Sit at His feet...

The past few months have been a mix of emotions for me.  Needing to say goodbye to my babies, yet sending them off with part of my heart has taken its toll on me.  Logically doing what is best is not always what is easy... okay, it's usually not the easy button.  Trading gears from survival for the best part of an entire year to periods of peace have left me empty and confused rather than rested.

I'm a "Martha".  I'm comfortable with doing.  I prefer to do than sit a His feet like Mary.  I've been called to sit at His feet.  He beckons me to sit at His feet.  He even told Martha that Mary chose what is best.  He wants me to sit at His feet.  I want to get up and do something.  I want to have something tangible to show at the end of the day.  Show who?  Is that the real questions?  Do I want to do what the world sees, or am I satisfied with what only He can see?

Having two less in my home has made me realize how crazy it actually is normally here.  Sure, I have more days that aren't one crisis after another, but living on the edge normally doesn't leave room for those days where the sky falls without warning.  I've put a lot on the back burner.  I wondered if I didn't focus on it, would it go aways?  It didn't.  I've found myself crumbling with insecurity and confusion.  Overwhelmed with where to go next.  I've been angry rather than more content.  I've reached out to others for answers knowing full well they weren't given them.

I've begged the people in my life to be more than God created them to be.  I've asked them to figure out this turmoil within me, and was angry when they couldn't.  He asks me to sit at His feet.

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