Tuesday, June 15, 2010

A Calming Breeze

Would I enjoy sitting on the porch all laid up in a bright red adirondack chair looking out at the ocean with a light breeze keeping the 90+ degree day seem pleasant as much if I hadn't struggled through the past four days like I did?  Probably not.  Do I enjoy the simple beauty of each "good" day so much more when I know the bottom can fall out at any time?  Most likely.  Do I take the time to stop and smell the roses because I might not get the opportunity tomorrow or the next day either?  Definitely.  Do I know the sweet calm of the peace which passes all understanding in the midst of what life tosses my way much more with the crazy little girl who shares my world?  Absolutely! What a blessing to capture these moments.  Oh... what you miss without a wild card in your back pocket.  How fortunate I am to do life in such a unique manner.  Hopefully, I've captured your interest and had you envious of mine today... if even for a moment.  There are rainbows if you're looking.  There is a calm in the midst of the storm if you will be still to find it... or Him.

I was in tears within half a day of the first leg of our trip.  The tears were of a new variety for me.  They weren't tears of frustration, but of legitimate pain.  I was in pain.  I've always been able to curl Abby's flexible body into a ball in my arms or snuggle her close to me so she can find her peace by feeling my love and care for her, but we've entered a new era and those moments are gone.  I couldn't control my little lady this time.  She overcame my sizeable frame and strength.  Daddy had to take over and physically restrain her flailing body with the help of Danielle.  It took two of them to keep her from hurting herself or others around her.  As they carried her from the restaurant I sat in silence with Belle and MaryAlice until Belle broke the silence with, "Mom, you're crying." 

We try to keep things as normal as possible with all the abnormal that happnes around them, but this day was different.  I somehow just knew that today had changed our lives in a permanent way.  Our lives entered a new phase in the past couple of weeks where my ability to control this life just took another step down.  I've got nothing.  There are no answers... only questions.  I've been left standing metaphorically in my mind with open, empty outstretched hands once again (I've been here many times before).  If a mother needed to be humbled this would do it.  I'm wholly unable to fix this problem.  I spent days at medical facilities and countless time on the phone to seek anything the doctoring world had to offer all to no avail.  I wanted to avoid what happened today.  I feared we were on a path headed this way, but was confident we would stumble upon some answers.  It's a sick sort of optimism that must be necessary to keep us going when it looks so grim.  With no aid to be found we're at a loss.  This day last Thursday I lifted my head up from the table and responded honestly to the two who needed me the most at that moment, "Abby really hurt me.  Something is obviously wrong, but she can't tell us what it is so she lost control.  Let's pray." 

Life isn't fair.  I guess these two little girls came into this world with the unfair advantage over your kids.  They don't have to be taught this lesson, they get to live it.  The world doesn't revolve around them either.  They must be patient.  They see things that cannot be described in words on a page.  After two more days of the same episodes of crazy between constant agitation silence fell over our travellers.  We looked from one to another and could've cut the tension with a knife.  I slipped my sunglasses to cover my eyes so I could shed my tears in vailed privacy, put my ipod on high, and loaded up with tissues as the floodgates opened.  I took out my phone and cried out for help.  I sent a text to some family and friends who I knew I could count on to pray and asked them to petition Heaven on our behalf.  As the healing rain began to fall I decided to be still.  "Sometimes He calms the storm and sometimes He calms His child." (here's the link to the video on youtube:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Ti1SULYteI
Calm took another day to come, but it did.  I'm still a bit gun shy today yet and worry about keeping her happy to a crazy degree, but this new normal will set in.  I'll find a new level of trust as this one is completely His.  As much as I'd like her to be mine sometimes, He reminds me that she is totally His.  He took her from me a long time ago, and despite my efforts to pull her back onto my lap and enfold her to make everything okay, He prevails because I cannot... Thank God He does! 

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