Saturday, June 26, 2010

transitions

It seems that the cuprit for crazy Abby is transitions.  She takes a day or two to adjust to any transition out of her schedule which is kind of tricky for us.  We like change.  Andy and I actually thrive on it, but our daughter goes into something akin to anaphalactic shock when it happens.  The tough part of it is that there seems to be nothing we can do to help her through them either.  We've been working on communication techniques for years now without any success.  Hmmmm...

I'm working on enjoying moments without expectations of the next ones.  Today we had happy Abby all day and it was a gift.  I found myself just smiling so contently most of the day.  She makes me take a look at how much time I put into ruining moments just worrying about what might come next.  I've tried in vain to prepare or avoid explosions, but that didn't work so I have to just enjoy the good ones and live through the bad ones knowing that they will pass... eventually... hopefully.  The vibe of her moods all too often sets the stage for the rest of the family.  If she's happy, we're all happy.  If she's bad, we're at each other. It's hard to keep the calm amidst the storm.  I've been trying, but I guess that's the problem.  I'm trying, but I'm not supposed to be.  Maybe when I learn to let Him carry me (us), I'll find the eye of the storm in His arms. 

I like the picture of Him carrying me through the storms of life.  I shutter at the place I'd be if I kept trying on my own.  I'm still at a loss for what that looks like, but as I draw closer to Him it doesn't seem so much like that last ditch effort I throw up to Heaven as I pass out on the floor like it used to be.  It seems like the logically first place to go before I'm so desperate.  Sitting at his feet like Mary seems to draw me in rather than looking like the lazy woman I used to think she was. 

The good, the bad and the ugly all beckon me into His arms.  I long to hear His voice.  I long for those quiet moments where I'm ready, willing and able rather than rushing through a study or a chapter and shoving the books into their shelf before He has time to direct me.  I don't know if it's as much not wanting to hear as it was not seeing the need.  I thought of the scripture as time with Him rather than it merely being the tool He uses as He speaks to the heart of who I am, rather than an arbitrary good morsel stuffed into the confines of my head.  I guess it's like filling up with good stuff like living off carrots rather than a variety of foods.  It's like tasting all that He has for me rather than picking and choosing what I want.  It's eating those carrots and wondering why they're not enough.  Wondering why I'm not satisfied and feeling good.  He has so much more for my life than just a little orange vegetable.  I've been sampling the goods, but not digging into the buffet He has to offer and then sitting back and wondering where the satisfaction in Christ is.

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