Monday, March 1, 2010

What Do I Know of Holy....

I stood in the pool at a friend's home this week holding Abby in my arms as she repeatedly pulled my hair or hit my face whenever she managed to wiggle out of my grasp.  I wondered why she kept wanting to hurt me?  I wished with all my being for her to feel how much I loved her... to sense my love and...
just stop hurting me. 
I wanted to speak her language. 
I wanted to know what she wanted. 
I wanted to heal her pain. 
I wanted to heal her frustrations, but I couldn't...
I can't...
I may never be able to.

I wonder if that's what the Lord thinks of me.  Does He see me like a severely disabled child at times?  Does He say, "Why does she keep hurting me?  Can't she see how much I love her?  Why can't she be content in Me?"  I know His ways are higher than mine, but I keep trying to figure Him out without His help.  I try to communicate with Him, but all too often He asks me to be still... silent... listen, yet I continue to ramble on in my own words.  Just as Abby hits, pinches and pulls hair to communicate, I plead in futility for her to just be silent and hear the beating of my heart.
What I want for Abby just like what He wants for me:
  • I'd give anything in this life to give her peace... He wants to give me that
  • I'm calling her to me because I just want to cuddle her, but she doesn't hear me or she can't... He's so near that He often carries me even when I'm calling out to Him to see where He is
  • Instead of lying still I have to often hold her down to help her... He often allows trials (painful ones) to hold me down so He can help me
  • She must be locked in or gated off to keep from hurting herself... He lays down boundaries to keep me from being hurt
  • Any form of discipline takes months if it works at all... how often do I keep doing the same things over & over just to suffer the same consequences
  • She hurts anyone around her to get my attention... I hurt those around me when I strive for the wrong attention
  • She speaks a different language... I try to understand God in human terms
  • I've presented our world to her in pictures, gestures, & music, yet she responds not... He reveals Himself in words, people, situations, creation etc. yet some still flounder in the darkness
  • She needs crazy sensory inputs daily so we swing, spin, brush, squeeze, rub, push/pull to name a few... look at the beauty of the world around us, yet we still need more
  • I lie next to her in bed as she sleeps just to be near her without being hurt... Whether I hurt Him or not He's still there beside me
  • She needs consistency & routines to organize her life... we spin our wheels organizing when He just wants to lead us through the chaos rather than straightening it up to walk through alone
  • She can't tell me where the pain is... I try to heal my own pains, so I don't tell Him either
  • She lives in a different world than we do & I so long to be a part of hers... He wants us to live in His world with His help, but we choose to walk in ours alone
  • Can't she feel how much I love her & would give my very life for her... He already gave His life for me
What Do I Know Of Holy by Addison Road  (click this link from youtube & take a moment & be still to listen...)

3 comments:

  1. Being as though action in our lives equals accomplishment to be still and know He is God strikes a chord that does not make sense to us b/c it goes against the fabric of our being. Being back on the road again, alone, i am vividly reminded of this.

    Love you!

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  2. Honey, you are speaking to my heart tonite too. You write beautifully and your analogies are perfectly stated. Our sweet Abby will one day know how much we all love her and she will return it unconditionally. I love you! MOM

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thanks for your words of humility and wisdom Allison! I love getting to know you by reading your blog at random moments... I love that song too!

    ReplyDelete

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