Saturday, April 17, 2010

crohns/colitis/Intestinal Bowel disease

I've left out my personal health for some time now because I think that if I don't talk about it, it won't be so real.  I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis about four years ago.  A year and a half & three colonoscopies later I added Crohns to my diagnosis.  After trying all the meds without success I got a random book about a guy dying of crohns & then through nutrition got better.  I bought the idea... hook, line & sinker.  The Maker's Diet by Josh Rubin was holistic medicine meets logic.  I think it's been successful overall since I haven't been in the hospital with any surgeries, but in the past couple of months it has dominated more of my day than I would like.   I should be thankful that I'm having some success without meds, but the fact that I have to think about what I eat constantly makes me want to scream!
Sure, I'm not dying of cancer or something else, but I can't bring my mind & body to overlook the painful and/or embarrassing symptoms because someone else has it worse.  Their pains don't lessen mine.  I'm trying not to let the symptoms dominate my days, but pain & appropriate food consumption is a full-time job.  I wanted to not worry about myself.  I thought that if I didn't have time to fuss over myself that it would all go away. I thought that I could train myself to not feel the pains.  Kind of mind over matter.  If I didn't get so wrapped up in myself, I'd be able to not let my life revolve around my disease.    I was wrong.  None of that worked.
There's something powerfully humbling about knowing what might eventually kill you one day.  The thought of cancer doesn't necessarily scare me, but knowing my body won't hold up to treatments does.  I guess maybe it's a thorn in my side.  It reminds me daily that I'm not in control.  It reminds me that I need the Lord.  It's a constant side-show in my play of life.
Like most things in my life I have to eventually face it head on.  I spent a lot of time on it at first, but when my symptoms subsided or lessened I put it on the back burner.  I've told many people who have kids with special needs like I do that it's okay to cry at times... as long as you stop.  I've been brooding rather than crying, but I need to stop.  I want someone else to take up my torch & figure it out, but I know that's not going to happen.
I need to stop obsessing & start acting.  Figure it out so it doesn't consume me.  I have to figure out what can & cannot go into my body.  I have to go organic, gluten-free, free range, time-consuming & expensive.  Yes, I'm angry.  I'll eventually stop whining & start acting.  It's like a stage of grief.  I've been angry, in denial, sad & I'm moving toward acceptance.  Many will tell me it's a waste of time, but I know that what goes into my mouth has to have an effect on my digestive system.  To say that it doesn't seems absurd.

1 comment:

  1. I'm sorry you have Crohn's. I really am. With all you have on your plate, it's definitely overshadowed. It's not like I forget you have it, but I guess because you don't complain too much about it, I let it go.
    By the way, I love all the pictures on here. The ones of "happy Abby" are awesome. love you, Andrea

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