Thursday, December 10, 2009

surprised by lonliness

I often have warned new moms about the dangers of becoming lonely when they have a new baby. I tell them to call me and get out of the house. I've always wanted to be that support team, but today I'm not.

... I'm lonely. I've just realized this past week how alone I feel especially with the cold weather settling in. With three babies here and the girls away at school I often tuck the kiddos in bed at night and lie in mine wondering if I put more than one whole sentence together all day. Although my sign language has increased and I've learned to communicate a whole thought in one or two words sentences, I don't think it's entirely healthy. I've even found myself sitting and listening rather than contributing to an adult conversation even when I have a chance. I'm hermitting and it's not by choice.

I've been trying to figure out ways to take my own advice about getting out, but it's simply not possible. Taking three babies out in the cold is just not easy or wise for the most part, and when the babies go for visits with their mom I'm running from one grocery store to Target to just pick up necessities... visiting isn't really on the agenda. And then the chance of missing a nap if we went out is crazy. One cranky child is doable, but three makes me want to pull out my hair! Even having friends here isn't a lot of fun because it just compounds the already overwhelming mess, I have to get up early just to get ready before my usually nap time shower routine, and then I pour what's left of my sanity into entertaining more people. I try to have people over just for adult conversation, but fitting it in between my regular routine sucks more of the life out of me. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to arrive in Heaven with a bunch of life left unused because I hoarded it, but I do want to get out of bed in the morning.

This isn't a cry for help necessarily because there really isn't an answer right now for me, but maybe it's just good to let you be aware of those around you that might be suffering like me in their world too. Maybe there isn't help for me in my situation today, but maybe you could help someone else. I need to figure out the long term of foster care for us by living these times and evaluating the best use of what God has given us. I need to know how different situations affect us negatively and which ones are good to push our limits. I think this whole experience with these two babies has done many things for me such as: stretched me beyond me and made me aware of a whole world I knew nothing of.. for starters. It hopefully has had a lasting affect on those around us too. I'll learn my lessons to be sure. I have to do this season more alone than I like, but hopefully now that I'm aware of my struggle, I'll learn and do better in the future.

So... today I'm lonely. I nearly sobbed when Andy left for work. I know this world is tough on him and he seems to avoid us whenever he can (my perspective rather than reality mostly), but allowing God to work in him and me through this time is paramount. We'll come out of it better not bitter if we endure and draw on His strength. He's always faithful even when I'm not.

...It's noon, babies down for a nap, I chose to spit out my emotions rather than fold clothes...

"How you do life isn't an accident that's happened to you... you have a choice."
-Charlie Boyd (teaching pastor of our former church in SC)

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