Saturday, December 5, 2009

Attacked or Tested?

I am not sure which, but pushed beyond myself is obvious. We can't seem to catch a break. I've been sick for the better part of two months now, and so tired with being a single parent of so many little ones. Last week we were bombarded with the superintendant of Proctor nixing the whole agreement that was made for Abby's school. After a few phone calls with legal we had to sit and wait. I know it's all in the Lord's hands, but my flesh fights against His "wait".

We spent Thanksgiving with a wonderful mix of family and adoptive family and were once again reminded of how very fortunate we are. Many laugh when I say we need a lot of friends so we don't wear anyone out, but it's so very true. It's so great to unload on different people so no one becomes overwhelmed with our lives. We seem to always be in the midst of one crisis of another, but no one really gets to hear them all (I usually post the bigger ones :) We're really pretty high maintenance and my not liking to overwhelmed people doesn't lessen our status. It's just the way it is. So having many friends is how we deal with trying to not be too overwhelming where people just avoid us. It works to some extend, I think.

The other thing I get is that people don't want to tell me there problems because I usually have worse ones, but the truth is the hurts in your world aren't lessened by the hurts in mine. I can't live my life focused on us, so it's important for me to share your hurts too.

With pulling Abby out of school in the forefront of our minds, Andy took off for a long week away. I've still had something hovering over me. I've been sick since our family had the swine flu. Everyone else got over it, but I've gone from one infection to the next. I kept a fever for weeks, but the doctor couldn't find anything so we just thought viral and wait it out. After my second round of antibiotics for the sinus infection and UTI, I wasn't surprised with the next infection, but after two weeks of treating that one to no avail, I was going nuts! I finally went back on Friday because my symptoms were keeping me up at night, and he found a bacterial infection. I was kind of relieved to have something to treat, and had my first good night sleep. I also have a skin problem which is annoying, but treatable. I hadn't slept more than five or six hours a night this week with Andy gone that I was about to lose it... okay, I did lose it on the babies mom, but that was a long time coming. I needed to address some things I had been letting take place in the name of helping her, but realized I was only enabling her. We're making some changes with visits which won't make her happy, but will be in the babies best interests and maybe even push her to shape up. It's really all very sad because we went into foster care to help families, but it seems like the best way to help this family is to take care of these two little ones until they can find a place for them. We can't help mom because she doesn't want help. "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." She's been living by the water and dehydrating! As a mom my heart breaks with the whole situation, but I serve a God who can redeem the worst this life has to offer and I'm praying for just that in these two little lives.

My sister gave me some advice when I stopped by to drop off MaryAlice so I could see the doctor. She told me to evaluate and cut off some stuff because I was slowly killing myself. I got in the car and cried as I called a girlfriend to host our weekly missional community time, changed Ray's birthday party for Sunday from a large event to a small family one, and reworked our visit plan for the babies. I guess I'm just in the habit of going til I drop. I don't know when our lives will slow down so I just keep going. I just keep adding to our calendar as if we weren't already too booked. I called Andy up to inform him of the changes and see what he thought...and he asked if I was cutting him out too... ha! ha!

My aunt Marcia often saves me in a crisis and she came to my house on Friday to keep the babies so I could attend a play at Abby's school. Can you believe they found a part for Abby in their 10 Commandment class play? I didn't even ask them to include her... they just did. We usually don't go to plays or concerts because Abby just has never been in them. I try not to be an angry parent who demands stuff and is unreasonable. I understand there are many other children and it's not just about Abby. I know she could disrupt things and maybe even ruin or overshadow an event if she was to act out, but it doesn't hide the fact that a stray tear has fallen many times as I get the announcement for a special event that I know she won't be in. I get the birthday thing. She can't be dropped off like the other girls her age and take part in most parties and some parents fear what they don't know so it's not something that is a part of her life. She isn't bothered by it. She doesn't even know she's missing out. To be honest she might not even like going if she could, but... it's me. I'm the one who gets choked up when other moms talk about what their kids are doing, but mine is not.

On Friday she was just one of the kids in the class. They all had parts... so did she. They had costumes... so did she. They lined up to take a bow at the end... so did she. I was the proud parent in the audience beeming at my little girl. She was the Angel of Death... he!he! She floated through the stage when they talked about the last plague on the Egyptians when the angel of death came and killed their firstborn children. She was on the program: Angel of death (and background noises... they know her well). If that wasn't enough Ethel (her help at school) came home beaming this week too because the music teacher came and asked her for some ideas of how to include Abby in their Christmas program. Can you believe it? Abby in a Christmas program! Exceedingly Abundantly more than I could ask or imagine. I just asked Ethel a couple of weeks ago about it because I was considering leaving her home with someone. I didn't think she would just sit there and listen, but she makes it through mass most weeks, so one never knows.

That was definitely a bright spot in my week! I sat down exhausted Friday night with my Aunt Marcia here. I almost fell asleep on my way home after the play and a quick pharmacy run. I had all I could do to get the kids into their beds so I could find mine when I realized it was getting cold in the house. I immediately called Andy, but with the two hour time difference and his long days he wouldn't be done until after 9 here, and I was panicking. Thankfully we had some space heaters, so I set them up around the house and prayed they would work until Andy called. He finally called and walked me through a restart of our furnace, but after a few tries I knew it was useless and I started to shut down. We made it through the night without freezing, but currently my hands are numb as I type. This morning was cold, but I had to leave for a Christmas tea at my mom's church pretty early, so there was no time to deal with it until later. I forced myself out of the house with some tylenol and a huge cup of coffee, and boy was I blessed! The program was really a blessing. It may have been more of a cleansing for me of some sorts because I started to cry when Andrea (my sister) sang the opening song and barely stopped the tears through her last song. My mom did a beautiful job organizing the whole event! I am so very proud of her! I was so touched to hear my sister sing. I guess being away for so long and not being able to hear her and now living here and still missing so much got the best of me, along with the fact that she sings so amazingly and it was so heartfelt, that I was touched. I guess knowing her and so much of her journey in the past decade that I was moved by the words in the song and how much they applied to her, me and so many other ladies I know. I've very proud of her too! It was a lovely event that blessed me immensely!

My honey finally came home this evening, and it was a marathon of a week for me. I remeber not entirely being all that pressed when he's been gone in the past as we've learned our rhythm during those times, but these past few weeks have been an exception. With so much on our plate it was a lot to carry alone. I know I'm not alone even when he is away he shoulders a lot too, but there's something about physically doing these times side-by-side that makes them more bearable. The time apart makes me so much more appreciate our time together...maybe that's the blessing in it all!

1 comment:

  1. thanks for your words, once again. i really appreciate the fact that you can understand my stress, and i felt so much better after i confided my "guilty feelings" to you the other night and you assured me that it was okay to be stressed!

    you are amazing allison. i hope you know that. even when you think you are barely surviving, you are encouraging me, so know that you are having an impact on kingdom things!

    please call me if you need anything - if only because i understand and can appreciate the constant chaos. i only have three during the day (of course, with your three, that makes six babies, but still) and am willing to help you (and you can help me - typically with your wisdom and advice).

    always praying for you!

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