Friday, November 27, 2009

waiting for the dust to settle...

I find myself waiting for the dust to settle, but wonder if that's a pipe dream. On one hand I want to escape the disaster area, but I know that somehow I'd create more chaos if it ever did clear. We seem to thrive on the adrenaline or the insanity of our lives. We put out fires to make room for new ones. I wonder if we've chosen to live in a highly flammable zone or is it where we were placed? We clear one hurdle to encounter another.

I'm exhausted. My body is showing signs of wear. We can barely make it healthy, but unhealthy we're sinking. I've been borderline for a month now. Another week alone, and I want to be angry and sad at the same time. I'm fighting with my emotions as they get the best of me. I hate to so focus on the bad, but somehow it consumes me. I try to help someone else to get me away from being so self centered, but when I'm treading water I have nothing left to give.

So, I spent the evening at a "family Christmas tea" and I found myself very retrospective tonight. I was so focused on all the things we take for granted. I so enjoy the family get togethers, but I remember a time when they were more burdensome than blessed. I find we are so overly harsh on family. It's like we have expectations of them that we don't have of others and it is really awful. If someone walked through the doors at our church with the same story we'd welcome them with open arms, but if it's a family member we are more apt to write them off without a second glance. I find family refreshing and such a safe place. They seem to accept me the way I am. They know more of my journey of who I am and where I've been... to some extent, and love me anyway. It's a good place to be.

Why we feel the need to take care of perfect strangers more than our own at times is puzzling. It's refreshing to be in a place where I belong no matter where I've been. I guess it's like Cheers :) "Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name..." And sometimes you want to go "Where nobody knows your name."

For me there's something about knowing you have a safety net. I know I have "My people". Whether we talk once a year or once a week, they would be there if I needed them. I had a friend tell me who was afraid to ask for help because she's afraid she'll wait until she's ready to lose it and nobody will be there. I think there are a lot of people wanting to be of help, but don't know what to do. I find it's easier to be the helper than the one needing the help... it's humbling. Admitting I can't do it is a total blow to my pride, but thinking there's no one to catch you if you fall... way worse.

One of my favorite songs is "The Warrior is a Child". "They don't know that I go running home when I fall down. They don't know who picks me up when no one is around. I drop my sword and cry for just awhile 'cause deep inside this armour the warrior is a child". I think that's just it. I want people to look at my life and say, "How in the heck do you do what you do?" I want them to see that it's not me. It can't be. Humanly I can't live my life, but with Him, and only with His help, we can. I want to do life in His power. I fall short- so short, and struggle against the person He wants me to me with the "Lady of Leisure" I want me to be. I struggle when I "go it alone", but it runs surprisingly a lot like a smooth machine when I walk with Him. I want to do life where I can't do it alone and must have Him so I am forced to walk with Him... it's not a luxury, but a necessity.

Where does family come in? They're the ones who are as committed as you are to fulfilling the ministry the Lord has called you to do. Does He only call you do ministry that you can do alone? That sounds ridiculous, but how many of us live like that's the truth? We are called to live in community. We are called to come along side our brothers and sisters in Christ and do ministry together. He doesn't only call us to do things we can do alone, but He calls us to do God sized ministry which involves the body of Christ. Oh how hard is it to give aide than it is to receive aide. I have been so humbled in the past year with all the help I have needed and with all the help we've received. We're so supported by blood family and our family of God. Wow! Oh how I've grown when I've had to be on the receiving end of being aided in the work we've been called to!

My unending gratitude is to all my family for your physical and emotional support. To all of you who support us physically and in prayer...
Thank you! Thank you for doing life with us. Thank you for being a part of a world and life we never intended to lead. Sharing our joys and our sorrows...
We thank you!

isn't he cute? had to put this somewhere & He's truly the one who has chosen to do this life with me... for better or worse. It's impressive that he's chosen to walk the same road with me. Over 80% of marriages with a special needs child results in divorce... astounding percentage. He's truly my best friend and the love of my life. The more I walk this life the more I'm grateful for such an extraordinary mate. It's a rare and blessed find to do life with someone you not only love, but actually like.

1 comment:


    A meeting was held quite far from Earth.

    It was time again for another birth.

    Said the Angels to the Lord above --

    "This special child will need much love.

    "Her progress may be very slow,

    "Accomplishment she may not show.

    "And she'll require extra care

    "From the folks she meets down there.

    "She may not run or laugh or play,

    "Her thoughts may seem quite far away.

    "So many times she will be labeled

    "'different,' 'helpless' and disabled.

    "So, let's be careful where she's sent.

    "We want her life to be content.

    "Please, Lord, find the parents who

    "Will do a special job for you.

    "They will not realize right away

    "The leading role they are asked to play.

    "But with this child sent from above

    "Comes stronger faith, and richer love.

    "And soon they'll know the privilege given

    "In caring for their gift from heaven.

    "Their precious charge, so meek and mild

    "Is heaven's very special child."


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