Tuesday, November 17, 2009


Have you ever tried something new and totally gave it everything you had, but failed miserably? It's like leaving your guts on the court when the games over. You put your life into something, and how couldn't you succeed? I'm the kind of person who thinks she can do just about anything (within reason). I don't normally set out to do something when I don't think I have a shot at success. I even leave room for God to equip me, but for the most part I'll go after it when it's sort of plausible. Not that this game is over, but I'm definitely failing. It's because of this failure that I feel like a failure in every other area of my life too! YUK! It's like I've been polluted with failure. If I cannot be good at this one thing than I am poor at everything. I somehow have convinced myself that finishing last place in one event equals last place in the whole "meet" of life.

I can logic this out and tell myself this isn't true, but I can't convince my emotions to cut my losses and move on. I'm stuck in the dumps. Learn from this. Maybe I didn't get the gold medal, but perhaps just wearing the uniform this time is okay. Did sitting on the bench for the varsity team still beat being a star on the JV team? Maybe my standards are too high. Maybe I've let this one critic take away my whole desire to "take the stage"... ever again. Just because I'm not super nanny or Martha Stewart do I stop parenting or housekeeping because of it? I always thought I was decent at taking criticism, but I can't keep this one from infiltrating my whole being. I failed this day and it surely isn't the first and definitely won't be the last, but convincing myself that it doesn't define me is another thing.

A series of horrible days that have followed this critique hasn't helped me either. I seem to be able to kick it into high gear as my adrenaline spikes, but when I come down... Whoa, I come down. I feel like I've been hit by a mack truck. I guess taking care of everyone who's been sick and cranky- going on our third week without a husband during the week- has severed my last nerve and I want to sleep for a week!

A lot of sport related metaphors today. Easier to be general rather than specific as airing my dirty laundry isn't at the top of my "to do" list either.

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