Thursday, November 12, 2009

Restrained

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I guess some of the things that affect me the most in life are the times when I have separate myself from the situation and do what needs to be done without thinking too much.

My arms encircle her thin frame and my legs strain to keep her hands from tearing the breathing mask from her face or the flesh from my body. She arches her back to free her legs to shove me away. Veggie Tales scream their Silly Songs to no avail tonight in their effort to distract her. After around ten full minutes of battling she turns her angelic eyes toward mine to plead her case in silent protest. I must not let go logically. I can reason her need to breathe and her lack of breath that sent her flailing at me to help her but a few moments earlier, but now I just want to let her go. It takes all my will to stare into those beautiful blue eyes who are begging for me to help her and continue my vice grip restraint because I know I'm helping her... even if she doesn't.

I look away because I know all the reasoning in the world won't explain my need to hold her in place to get the medicine in her lungs to open them up. The more she struggles the bigger breaths she takes in. I give myself a pep talk as I remember the doctor telling me that the crying was good because it helps her take bigger breaths... even if it's against her own will to do so. How about my crying? Is that good too? I praise the Lord when the twenty minutes are up and pray the doctor will tell us tomorrow that there is another way. Twice a day we've endured this escapade and with no end in sight I have to walk away once the machine is off and decompress.

Now I think about what just happened and want to cry. A few tears roll down my cheeks when I turn away from her just as I feel a tiny hand in mine. She's reached out to take my hand. She has already moved on. Thank you Lord for her resilience...

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