Wednesday, February 4, 2009

The Dam Breaks

The events of the past few weeks have caught up with me and I've found myself dissolving into tears. Much of if was trying to bandage a dam of financial problems that have built up over the past seven years when it all finally broke through. Knowing the levy can't hold still didn't prepare for the rush entirely. Humiliation was at the height of the down slope, it was joined with the debris of everyday life accumulated, and has swept us up in a current of added troubles. The rain will stop... it always does. The difference in this storm of our lives is marked by a different trend. Not to appear put together (not that I'm in danger of that after the previous rant), but I'm on my knees rather than the telephone this time. I just want to tap into the source who can really calm the storm. I have no desire to hash it out with anyone, but the one who can bandage my wounds and still find a way to use this broken vessel.

I want to be on dry land instead of treading water even though I know I must go through the rivers of life time and time again. I know I won't drowned because it isn't my boat I choose to climb into. His hand has been there all along waiting for me to reach for it. Even when I fail on my own accord, He's still there as He always has been.

We've been looking at what a Biblical church should look like and it scares me because it's a such a close knit group of family that I've tried so hard not to have or need. I've purposely tried to have a large number of "high five" friends and family so as not to overwhelm too many people with the drama of our life. If I can share a tough day with a different person each time than maybe they won't see a but few days a year; and they'll stick around for the the long haul. My circle of friends is large, but my circle of intimate friends doesn't extend much past my husband. It's empty not by any one's fault but mine. I refuse to spend too much time with any one person because of fear of losing someone when I get lost in the undercurrent once again for a few days. It's one thing to throw someone a life preserver every now and then, but doing it too much is overwhelming.

So what is to be done? That's a trip I'm trying to take. Yes, it is good that I know where my true strength comes from. It's good that the Lord is my "go to guy," but after I've let Him secure a firm foundation I need to see this journey not as a solo ride, but a family houseboat or a cruise ship of fellow believers (the church). When the ship springs a leak or I go overboard there are a host of others who are there to reel me in.

I'm used to being the "go to gal". I like to be the one giving advice or helping others. It's hard to be a driven person and admit total failure. It's tough to view oneself as a fighter, yet have to tag someone else to get in the ring for me. I'd rather not go for help unless I've been knocked out. When I'm sinking to the bottom, I'll reach up for help, but as long as I've breath in me I'd rather tread water on my own... as wrong as I know that is.

I've had a glimpse of this "family" in the past few months and this time my tears are tears of joy. I'm seeing what this should look like and I'm overwhelmed beyond words. I long to embrace it yet can't help but hold it all at a distance. They've accepted our family the way it is... imperfect. They've visited our hospital room, stopped by the house, asked questions instead of staring, come to our parties, and called us rather than waiting for us to call. Oh, that I might rise to the occasion for these as they have done for us.

1 comment:

  1. I love you, I miss you, and always know that prayers are constantly being lifted up your way. You are never alone. ;)

    Btw, I wrote another chapter in my book.


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