Sunday, November 30, 2008

loss of a dream

I find myself scouring the shelves for a dark chocolate fix. Tonight, like many others, my mind wanders and I find myself asking God, "Why can't she get a pass sometime? Why can't something be easy... just this once?" I don't question why God created Abby the way she is because I know He has a purpose in her life, but I do struggle with why she must suffer so. I've begged the Lord to take her place so many times, yet I sit alongside her watching in vain. Tonight it was dad's turn to comfort, but the silence in our room tells me he feels her pains too. Like a phantom pain we ache when she aches and long to ease her struggles. We lay close hoping agains all odds that she will miraculously reveal her hurt, yet no words or indications point us in the right direction. She seems to be locked inside and no matter how hard we try the soundproof room leaves us without direction again and again.

When I was pregnant with Abby someone gave me a book entitled, The Loss of a Dream. I was offended. I didn't pick up the book until Abby started to fall behind her peers. I didn't want to mourn for her before she was born, yet now I understand. The loss of the dream wasn't what I thought it was. It wasn't to pout over who she was, but to allow myself to mourn over the loss of what we thought we had signed up for...

We traded playgroups for therapy sessions
friends for therapists or paid staff
tea parties for feeding sessions
fun bedtime rituals for a growth hormone shot
watching her on the playground for pushing her wheelchair in the mall
disciplining for drugs or behavior management
parties for a trip to a specialty hospital
a vaporizor for a nebulizer
a security blanket for years of toy obsessions
family vacations for the special children's center
school homework for can I send her to school safely?
educational goals for Individual Education Planning meetings
what do you want to be when you grow up? to Who's going to take care of you?

The list could go on and on. Most likely it will as she gets older, but for now I have lost what I thought raising her would be. I've found it's alright to cry... as long as I stop. I give myself time to mourn the tough times. I shed tears alone with God or on the shoulder of a friend or family member. Some say they would like the Lord to give them more of a game plan to let them know what they're in for... not me. I like my days the way He gives them- one at a time. He gives me enough grace for today, but if I look too far in advance I tend to get overwhelmed. If I had known all that would transpire in the past seven years, I might've wasted the opportunities He's given me to redeem the valleys and found myself stuck in the muck looking out on what might have been. Yes, I've experienced the loss of a dream, but who hasn't? The rcovering addict... widow... single parent... cancer patient... parent of a stillborn child...

3 comments:

  1. I love you buckets! It was a touch of Heaven to play w/ my beautiful blondie last week and I look forward to seeing you again this week.

    The gift of putting thoughts onto paper is a gift I was not given so please don't stop...ever.

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  2. I love so much that you can write your feeling and struggles out like that Allison. I cried and cried as I read your post. I miss you so much and wish I was close by so I could give you a hug! Thank you for blessing me with a chance for Abby being able to touch mine and Jimmys life for a short while. We trully love Abby and know what a sweet spirit she has. I can imagine the pain you feel of wanting to help Abby when she is struggling and not knowing exactly how. My prayers are with you and Andy and your family. They really are Im not saying that to be nice. God has really put it on my heart to be praying for you! Anyone would be lucky to know your family I know we are!!! Love you!

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  3. You are such a beautiful person! I love you and am blessed by how His grace is evidenced in your life.
    Hugz

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