Today was one of those days... this past week, actually.
I've been fighting despair for several months. I strive to commit it to the Lord each morning as I set aside quiet time with Him. (Don't get too wrapped up in thinking this is a self righteous, I do my devotions post because it's not even close). See, I do my quiet time as a means of survival. I have no doubt where my help comes from.
I live on the edge with "I can't do this, Lord" running through my head every day. Aside from His help, I know I fall to pieces.
He sustains me,
...but I've started to dare hope for more.
I've read the promises of God and started believing they were intended for me rather than just for everyone else.
I'm fighting for Abby, yet she seems to slip further from us.
She grabbed her food today like a crazed animal who hadn't eaten in days and then spit it all over the bed like it was poison, She grabbed my hair pulling me to a bite until I broke into tears. I gave her all the meds allotted her "just in case," but they were like placebo. We had to add the extra locking beam to her enclosed bed and take the blades and bulbs off the fan because she was trying to rip them off the ceiling. Her arms and legs are bruised from tearing down the sides of her bed and reaching through the slats getting herself stuck, banging her toys and pulling her own hair.
In desperation I took the pads off her bed so the girls and I could write bible verses on them... for her, for us? I really didn't know what to do, but in my "Martha" fashion I had to do something... keep busy amidst the ceaseless fussing. I couldn't sit and do nothing.
It is humbling not knowing what to do. It pushed me to reluctantly tell relatives about seeing a family counselor to help deal with Abby better. We've accepted the possibility she's unlikely going to change, so we have to. We can't keep waiting for each storm to pass or fearing when the next will come. We need to start doing things differently, but have no idea how.
"Spiritual warfare," The counselor said. If I were asked if I believe in spiritual warfare, I'd say "yes", yet I have no idea what this looks like in the real world. What does intercessory prayer exactly mean or look like?
"For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places." (Ephesians 6:12), I've heard this verse. I read This Present Darkness
I naively thought the fight was help us handle this Abby better, but today I'm pretty sure it's to prepare us for something harder. It can always get worse and this Abby is sinking into whatever that may be. I'm completely heartbroken in this season. I can barely get close to my child without getting hurt. I cry outside her bed begging God to take this away, yet...
"While Jesus was in one of the towns, a man came along who was covered with leprosy. When he saw Jesus, he fell with his face to the ground and begged him, "Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean."
"Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him."
I don't understand, but trusting in my God. Knowing He is capable, but submitting to something harder knowing he can make it something better.