Tuesday, May 1, 2012

a purposeful life

A year ago I sat in a pretty good place and could't imagine the year that would follow.  Having a child like Abby lends us many uncommon challenges, yet also some unearned rights.  Many have the challenges they face all hidden inside unless they choose to reveal; whereas, a lot of my struggles are open for all to see.  Most of the time I'm okay with being in a glass house, but sometimes I get weary.  I've been weary more often than not with all the eyes who have stopped pretending not to stare.  I've gone through many stages in the past eleven years with Abby.  I've been...
  • Critical mom:  "seriously, you're complaining about a cold?"  I can't identify with these people, so I will avoid them.  I can't bear to hear another mom "worry" about her one year old who is only pulling up to stand when mine is just holding her head up.  The looks of pity are more than I can take.  forget about the play groups and mom stuff I dreamed of doing.  
  • medical mom: running from specialist to specialist in a quest to fix her
  • therapy mom: going to therapists or doing therapies 24-7 at home or wherever we are. I was trying to frame our lives around therapy possibilities no matter what the circumstances.
  • Parent of a special needs kid:  Going from support group to support group to help others find medical facilities, funding and therapies.  
  • Pretending mom:  Making Abby a part of everything we do regardless of how she feels about each event.  Pretending we're normal and acting like everything is okay.  Doing the doctoring that's absolutely necessary, but avoiding the rest.  Hauling Abby around like we would a newborn, smiling through the hair pulling and ignoring the blood coming from my hands.
  • Open mom:  Blogging about our differences and letting people into our world on my terms. 
  • normal mom:  Pushing for who I would've been if I had an easier life.  A kind of fake it til you feel it kind of attitude.  After a ten month period without work, devastating miscarriage, and other losses I realized pretending wasn't the same as altering reality.  Reality hit me and my life is different and it may always be.  I continually carry an extra measure of grief, but am simultaneously given an extra measure of grace and understanding others may not have.  
  • Closed mom:  So now what? I'm not normal.  My life isn't any resemblance of normal.  Why bother telling anyone anything because they don't really care or want to know?  My world is small again with the few family members who have been proven trustworthy and a handful of friends who are trying to give me enough grace to be a part of my world.  They're beyond pity, but hey still try to lend a hand whenever they can knowing I don't expect it, but appreciate it all the same.  

So where does this leave me today?  Confused mom.  We've had two more girls, moved across the country, changed jobs a few times, done foster care for two babies for a year, gotten involved with a couple of churches and then not so much.  This all has kept us busy and given us the taste of normality, but with a side note of "not even close."  We've pursued our passions and have been blessed to do so by a host of help that makes our home include a revolving door.  The trade off for having help is allowing people into our home to see... the good, the bad and the ugly.  We've had dear friends share our lives as they pass through.  They've ministered to us and hopefully us to them.

I am no longer thriving here.  I am not able to pursue my passions or God given talents and abilities.  Sin is a dirty word, but it infiltrates like a disease.  Sometimes we sin and sometimes we are sinned against.  I've been sinned against this time.  Forgiveness has been granted even when it hasn't been sought. At some point I have to shake the dust from my sandals and move on.  I have to accept reality and know that I wasn't created to stand by and watch.  We all have strengths and while operating in those areas we thrive, but when they are stifled we are left lacking and unfulfilled. Regardless of our circumstances we need to be purposeful in all areas of our lives.  We get back up and press on.

I've been sent several separate words of encouragement from totally unrelated people and they all said a different version of "Be Still" and "Wait upon the Lord" because although "I've been knocked down I am not crushed..."  Two of the notes quoted Isaiah 40 & 43. 

I'm finally at peace with vengeance being the Lord's.  He is way better at justice than I am, and I pity all of us when we stand before the Lord and  have so many wrongs to give account for in the name of the Lord.  Changing passions isn't what He asks of me.  He made me to uniquely accomplish whatever I've been called to in the world I've been placed.  He may change the venue from time to time, but not who I am and who I'm created to be. I'm understanding more and more the need to forgive seventy times seven and the need to be forgiven by the same measure.  Forgiveness doesn't mean sticking my head in the sand and pretending.  Forgiveness is hot harboring bitterness for being wronged, but it is not ignoring the sin.

Peacefully... I finally move forward with the blessing of my Heavenly Father.  No longer looking for restoration of an old normal, but a renewed vision and the open hands to go where I hadn't intended to go.  The same heart but a different mission.  I push forward to the goal for which I have been called.  I'm through playing games and pretending things are different than they are.  The mission of God hasn't changed.  Who I am, where I am, and the hand I've been dealt isn't within my ability to change.  I move forward with His blessing which is all I need.  As the above video says, "All I know is I'm not home yet..."  I have a plan and purpose that can't be thwarted ultimately by evil in the hearts and hands of man.  I've been paralyzed at times of late, but no longer do I stand by and watch.  Evil needs to be weeded out in a bold way.  We don't hide it to protect Christ, but glorify Him in bringing darkness to light.  We show grace in honesty to protect those who may be hurt by covering a multitude of wrongs.  There is a time to speak and a time to be silent... Lord, give us the ability to discern both.

2 comments:

  1. "The mission of God hasn't changed. Who I am, where I am, and the hand I've been dealt isn't within my ability to change. I move forward with His blessing which is all I need."

    Amen.

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  2. I'm so sorry you have been through so much lately. I too have been all of those "moms" and empathisize with your confused state. I think, for me, it varies even day by day. But...I do know that our babies have purpose, we have purpose, and tomorrow is a new day.

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