Tuesday, October 18, 2011

head doubt vs. heart doubt

My head rarely doubts because I've been so fortunate to have had truth poured into me for years.

My heart, on the other hand,
                             betrays me all the time

I could debate you on the goodness, sweetness of God in and through the good and the bad of this life.
I could write you an essay on a fallen world that is so marred by sin that it is wracked with despair.
I could create you a playlist of songs that testify of His hope and promise despite the chaos that ensues.
I could give testimony of the miracles in my own life... the blessings...so above and beyond what I could ask or imagine

...yet today my heart longs to feel
                             and my eyes to see

I've read revelation and know who wins
I know my time on earth is but a moment, a breath, and then will pass
I know that all things work together for good...


Can I get my heart to submit to the truth I know in my head today?
Can I dream of the exceedingly, abundantly when I'm in just barely enough?

I've a glimpse of the promised land, yet I wander in the wilderness
...fearing the Egyptians of my past
...or wondering if the wall of water miraculously separated and held at bay surrounding me will soon be released and cover me
...eating the manna from heaven questioning where my next meal will come from

I despise my doubt

yet I'm powerless today to live in the victory I know
paralyzed in my humanity
trapped in this body of death

on my knees without words
laying my groanings at his feet
         as I know not what to ask for anymore
being honest
not pretending
refusing to put on a false face...at least today

letting the healing rain fall
thanking Him that tomorrow is a new day
holding on to the hope until I feel in my heart what I know in my head...

"His power is made perfect in my weakness..." (2 Cor. 12:9)
"Be anxious for nothing..." (Matt. 6:25)

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