Thursday, July 9, 2009

bitter or better?

As I climbed into the rental van to help my frustrated husband as he struggled to install five carseats I couldn't help but wonder why? We've hit two deer in the past couple of months rendering both our vans undriveable and then the rental won't fit all our carseats. So if that alone wasn't disgusting enough we missed church in the process because after over an hour of struggling we were at a loss. Not only did we miss church, but I needed this vehicle to fit all my kids this week as Andy went out of town. I had to get everyone into the van every morning in order to get the kids to school.

I cannot tell you how many times this past month I put my face in my hands as tears spilled everywhere, and asked God why? I've been at the end of my rope so many times that I guess my rope is growing since I still go on. We're getting hit on all sides. It feels like an all out war... against us. I've tried not to be pessimistic, but how much can one take? I've taken to reading several Psalms a day just to lessen the distress. I read the words, but can't kick the pit in my stomach. We always have something going on, but this is over my limit. I've thought it good to have it out of my hands and into God's, but every day seems to darken more and more. I can't even pretend to be okay. I can't share the pain anymore. We're hurting. We're lost and confused.

Spending my days with advocates, lawyers, social workers, & bureaucrat pseudo-educators has sucked the life out of me. I don't have time to regroup before I'm hit with something else. I'm not answering my phone today. I'm struggling to me a mom let alone a wife or friend to anyone. I hate to be so wrapped up in myself, but survival calls. I've taken today off. I've decided to spend it doing nothing... apart from taking care of kids. My cup is empty and I'm not moving until He fills it. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel so I'll sit here and squint until He opens my eyes. He promised to take care of me, so I will cling to that until my body responds and my anxiousness subsides. Today I spend the day clinging to His promises and rejoicing in His healing rain. Even when I can't see His hand I will trust His heart.

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