Saturday, May 9, 2009

motherhood

How could I have known as I looked down at my firstborn infant girl in my arms that eight short years later I'd look down at those same arms... scratched and bruised... from that same beautiful girl? I sit here tonight on the brink of another Mothers' Day and reflect on this journey of motherhood. I wonder at how I got from the two blue lines on a stick to locking her in the playroom to keep the other kids safe.

I know I need to take one day at a time because that is all the grace He provides, but I can't help wondering if it will be me on the floor weeping like one of my friends was a few months ago when I can no longer control a grown up child. I shouldn't mourn a place I may never have to go, but after the events of the past three days I sit in bewilderment. I'm at a loss on how to control my Abby. I'm bruised, scratched, pinched and fully tear stained... broken inside and out.

I think sometimes we let behaviors go because we know that they often come and go without intervention, or we put them off until we have the time, energy and gumption to take them on. We are facing self injurious behaviors that must be addressed now that Abby's head bears more bumps and bruises than I can ignore. We've always held our breath in the past as these behaviors have come and gone. We haven't been able to put a finger on the why, but since they seem to disappear just as quickly as the appear we've never had to dwell too much on them.

Today is day three of new meds. As if the ones she was on before weren't enough to put a pit in my stomach, we've added more. Even though we know she needs something before she turns what brain she has to mush from pounding it on anything and everything, it's not an easy road. So we start a new medication that has a fast onset, but will taper in four to six weeks... hopefully we'll survive until then. In the meantime we have to find a way to live with this new unpredictable "grabby Abby". It could takes days or weeks. We missed church again tonight because we couldn't trust her around so many people. She hits adults, kids and even babies. She doesn't discriminate. Everyone seems to be a target.

I do know that the Lord doesn't give more than we can handle with His help because just when one struggle passes another takes it's place. I'm glad He doesn't give me more than one day at a time. We just finalized this week a plan for the care of our littlest foster baby while she's with us. She is all set for 2-3 therapists coming 2 days a week to work with her and her birth mom will be transported to our house for some visitation, so I won't be doing so much running. I felt we'd arrived at a place where I could live when our appt with psychiatry mixed things up again. Andy and I sat through our first church service together in almost a year as all the babies were finally being cared for in the nursery so we could be in the service.

As always, today I mourn the loss of a dream. "I didn't sign up for this" comes to mind. I shed some tears. I feel sorry for myself. I cry some more. Give me a few days and "The peace that passes all understanding" will settle over us (I know it will because it always does... He's solid even when I'm not). We'll gain perspective... His, not ours. He'll give us a way through this if not a quick ticket out. "I'll praise you in this storm" plays on the radio and I try to sing along.

3 comments:

  1. Happy Mother's Day Allison!!! Thanks for the post. I will be praying for you to have an extra special day and for Abby as well!

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  2. Praying for your mother's heart and for wisdom and perserverance. Praying for Abby too. Thank you for sharing your heart and your struggles. Grateful we have a Heavenly Father who sees and hears.

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  3. I want to say so much, prophetic words to ease the moment but I have nothing. All I can say is "I love you Allison. I love all of you."

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