Thursday, May 14, 2009

looking for rainbows

I find sometimes I spend so much time focusing on the rain that I forget to see the rainbows in the distance. Not every storm produces a rainbow, but if I'm lucky they come in between the storms. There's been a lot of rain around here lately. Today I found myself with a warm, wet towel wiping Abby's bloodstained face... and the wall where she bloodied her own nose. I watched her play through closed doors longing to join her in her happy play, but barely a moment inside those doors and I'm brought back to the reality of why they must stay closed. I have the marks on my face... neck... arms... and hands to remind me of her aggression when I can't seem to accept the fact that she will hurt anyone within her reach. She'll always be my little girl.

I push the pit back down into my stomach as I long to be near her. I endured the pain earlier tonight as I couldn't bare to keep away any longer. I laid down next to her and hugged her hoping my love would overcome whatever physical need she has that causes her to didn't, but the scratches hurt less than my heart. My parenting toolbox is empty. We restrain, hold, shake our heads and verbalize our dissent, walk away, quarantine and correct in every language possible, but our efforts are in vain.

I hold on to prayer once again as my Heavenly Father knows the answers as I do not. I pray. I quote the scriptures written on the walls of Abby's room and wait on the Lord. "Not yet," He says. He promises rainbows... He will deliver... In His time


  1. Allison,
    As I sit here and read what has been happening these last few days or weeks, my heart breaks, in a different way then yours but it breaks. The tears fall from my face for I too know that "HAPPY ABBY" will return. I want so badly to be there for you (in person) but time does not allow right now. We will visit soon, when you are ready for me. I am praying for you and sending my love every second of everyday.

  2. Ali,
    Reading, praying, engaging as much as I can from here. If I can hear and feel so deeply, I know our Heavenly Father can too. Not yet.


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