Friday, November 7, 2008

Intimidated

So intimidated to put my life out there this way... yet relieved to share my world on my terms. I feel often so guarded by what I share. Do I really tell people when it's been a tough day, and is it okay to have many bad days in a row? On the other hand, there will always be bad days, but there are also good parts of days. So I choose to see my world as mostly good or mostly bad. I can tell someone I'm doing well even when I may have had a rough day because I choose to focus on the good part of my day instead of the bad even if the day was mostly bad. It's kind of like children becoming what they think they are. If you tell them they are bright and a joy to be around it will most likely become self fulfilling prophecy. I also don't think most people really want to hear the truth. If I told them my reality they may not know how to respond so they'll quit asking or avoid me altogether.

My answer to not overwhelming people with the "crisis of the day" is not telling them everything. I choose to tell different people different things as a means to not overwhelm them with some of the realities of my life. Not to sound like I have it worse than everyone else, but I deal with some big issues on a regular basis. Maybe this post will be my way of sharing to those who want to know, but freeing me from having to share or deciding who to share what with.

I don't want to be plastic, but I don't honestly think that anyone other than my husband wants to really know what it's like. I've resolved that few people will actually get to know us because it takes awhile and we're not easy to access. We don't show too much too soon because otherwise people are afraid of us. People fear what they don't know and people with special needs are more complex than the rest of the world. We also don't show everyone the days where I stay in my PJ's and process a new diagnosis or deal with an uncontrollably angry child. Sometimes I look like I've been attacked by a cat when it's actually my 8yr old who cannot communicate her needs so she takes out her frustration on anyone within arms length. By the time I share that Abby's been rough you must know it's been more than a few days... most likely a week or two.

So here's to those who dare be a part of our lives... this may be a slow process, but I'll learn how to get it out in order to let people in.

1 comment:

  1. Wow Allison. If I may be so bold, since it has been years, to say that what you have written has so touched me. It was exactly what I needed to hear today from God. I am in awe of you and what you must do each day. I will be honored to keep you in my prayers, as well as sweet Abby.

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