Monday, June 10, 2013

"Lord, I believe... Help my unbelief"

I've been intending to document this new baby in a new blog but haven't gotten it set up yet because I just don't have pics and such to start, so I thought I'd start here and move it later :)  Hoping to have the new one up in time to announce boy or girl!

Morning evening sickness for me
I need to stop vomiting...
I'm approaching four months with daily vomiting and nausea and I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired...
I've done my best to not complain too much in a public forum for a few reasons (Andy and the girls have gotten it pretty exclusively).  First, I've had so many friends who have and continue to struggle with getting pregnant that listening to a pregnant gal gripe is too much too take, and from a friend... really, really unfair and generally uncool.  And I'm cool (at least that's what I keep telling my girls)!

Secondly, each wave of nausea reminds me that everything is still fine.  I don't like to admit that my faith has been tested in these few months.  I feel like the father of the sick boy in Mark (Mark 9:24) who says, "Lord I believe... Help my unbelief."  I do  believe and trust in my head and my heart that no matter what happens He is big enough to walk us through it, but I desperately don't want to do it again.  I don't want to feel the pain and wait for the healing process to run its course.  I've been that gal.  I knew as I carried Abby there would be problems.  I lost a baby to miscarriage.  I am that lady and don't want to do it again.  Pregnancy brings with it stress and exacerbates my nerves to reveal my heart and tendency to worry rather than to rest in whatever He brings.  Sure, I know He is in control and I intellectually know He is way better at that role than me, yet I fight with the emotions of being helpless.  I struggle with what I want and submitting to what He has for me.

I read somewhere that women who have lost a child define their status as "pregnant" rather than "having a baby."  I thought that sounded silly a few months ago when I read it, but I totally get it now as I've struggled to identify myself as "having a baby".  I've not wanted to acknowledge this little person growing inside of me to others to protect myself from the pain that could come.  I've seen the baby on an early ultrasound and heard the little heartbeat, but my lack of faith rears its ugly head every time I have a reprieve from the nausea.  I wanted to wait until the first trimester had passed to tell anyone, but my "flu" was lasting longer than what would've been acceptable :)

My belly swells as the nausea and vomiting continue and I wonder if I will carry the reminder that everything is okay much longer?  It's hard not to despair and stop being cranky when I feel sick every day.  I've had some bright spots like being up in the mornings since I go to bed so early.  I don't go out often in the evening because most often I take unisom and go to sleep to stop the vomiting and/or nausea.  I'm often in bed between 6pm and asleep before 9pm.  I've started to like mornings and enjoy the quiet it brings.  It's great to wake up before the alarm and not feel sleepy :)  I've always wanted to wake up earlier.

This weekend is my brother's wedding and the whole family is in it!  I'm so excited for this day to come and all the fun with all the family and friends who will come and share in this day with Ben and Amanda!  I'm praying for a reprieve or better yet an ending to the sickness for a couple of days.  I'd love to be able to enjoy the time rather than trying to put on a happy face when I feel so green.  Pregnant in the wedding... & I thought Abby would be the wild card :)

after the wedding...
It was wonderful, beautiful and three days my girls and I will never forget.  I plan to write about it all soon, but the focus of this post is nausea, vomiting and a sustaining faith.  I made it.  I enjoyed it. I actually loved every minute of it from all the family to the exhausting full day of wedding festivities!  I was nauseated at night, but haven't vomited in a few days... Until tonight  :/  Still feel sick but I'm keeping it in more with the help of dill pickle juice... weird, I know.  Still waiting to feel movement, so I can stress when I don't... not proud of myself, but just being honest... praying for a peace that passes all my understanding that I know I can't find within myself... only Him.

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