Tuesday, August 14, 2012

we're up... and we're down

I made Abby cry tonight :( 
If you know my girl, she doesn't really cry.  I'm not sure why exactly because she does get hurt, but she has a high pain tolerance and rarely cries.  She only cries when she's REALLY upset...or maybe just mad?
The past two days she's really been great!  I haven't had someone working with her all day when we're in town, so I've actually been one on one with her myself a good bit.  Mostly, it's because I didn't really recruit too heavily to have extras around and one of my summer gals really never came.  Since I knew we were traveling and Abby has been pretty good, I just let things come as they willed.

I've had about two nights this summer where I just got beat up by her, and tonight was one of them...
I have a sore across my nose (because I'm weird like that and I get weird, messed up stuff... ie... Abby)
She must've smacked me across the face a dozen times. ( If she doesn't catch my infection it will be a miracle!)
I just don't know what to do?
We try "no" or "stop"
sad faces (usually legit sad faces because it's, um... painful)
holding her hands down
"poping" her hand or her leg
but...
nothing even phases her.
she just keeps coming at me harder and harder
I walk away so she can't get me (I'm actually fast compared to her)
I return to try to reinforce anything appropriate or nice, but...
she just keeps attacking.  I can sometimes get her into her room during these times and put up a gate, but at 100 lbs she doesn't go where she doesn't want to.  And besides tonight I needed to get her into a new diaper and pajamas or else there would probably be finger paint all over the bed in the morning :(

I just don't get it!  How can she be so fine one minute, hour, or even entire day and then start in like this?
I should start keeping a journal on the craziest days, but then again "putting it to bed" with her and starting the day without it is my way of coping, I think.  I'd like to think in a perfect world there would be a correlation, but I'm not sure I can hope for such anymore.  We go through these times.  there's often no rhyme or reason.  There's no set time period.  There's no circumstances or anything tangible we can connect to her behaviors.  Sure, there are times we can, but all too often it's "just one of those nights."  I go to bed a bit bruised and bloody... but more on the inside than on the outside.  I hurt because I want something different from her!  I can accept her being like a toddler, but being bruised by her... come on?

I cope by escaping in a show or behind my eyelids.  I'll turn it off and  hope tomorrow is better...
11 years later... I don't feel so optimistic anymore.  A lot of my hopes and dreams for her, for us are a distant memory.  How does one keep going?  It's like dodging arrows some days... maybe that's what keeps me going... the some days.  They're not all like tonight. 

Maybe we've been reassessing our tomorrows and wondering how we plan for anything?  Maybe we've seen a glimpse of what it's like to have an adult child with disabilities not growing up and not moving on? Maybe people aren't as gracious with a big person coming at them than they were with a cute little messed up kid?  Maybe they don't see the mom next to her pleading for your generosity and wondering what her world is becoming? 
Maybe it's time to fade into the backdrop and step out of the public eye?  Maybe we're just torturing ourselves trying to make her be a part of our world, but...

we're not us without her.  Who you see without Abby isn't really us.  We're not those people. 
But then who are we, and what does that look like not to change?  

I'm hopeful there's a reason and we find it or it cycles back out quickly.  I need to accept who she is and who she is not, rather than who I want her to be.  I'm not talking about being normal or typical, but  something simple like enjoying the beach or just being around without hurting those within her reach.  I'd move to the beach if it were that simple.  Let's be honest... we'd move heaven and earth just to have her be content, existing... alongside us.

Tomorrow is a new day.  Some sleep will clear my head and renew my energy to do it all over again...


3 comments:

  1. Sending you wishes for a peaceful sleep and a better tomorrow. Much peace sent to you.

    Nena

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  2. I love you. I can't imagine walking the path you have to. But, I think you and Andy do it better than most. Abby is your gift. She's helped make you the strong woman and awesome mother you are. We all get a little beat up and bloodied by our kids once in awhile, but that's because we care so much. If we didn't care, if we didn't truly love, it wouldn't hurt. I think sometimes, especially at the end of those days, it helps to find the (sometimes few) things that were good that day, and thank God for those things. Tomorrow will be a new day.
    Hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thanks again for sharing your innermost thoughts, reading your blog almost feels like we're just having a conversation! I can feel your hurt in your words & I'm sorry our beautiful Abby gets angry like that, it makes me sad & I only see it once a year, I can't imagine how you must feel! BUT, I think you're already doing what's best for you and that's dealing, sharing, giving it to God and then hoping for a better day! Keep it up, you're an inspiration! Sending prayers(renewed strength) & MUCH <3 your way today!!!

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