Wednesday, August 15, 2012

significance in isolation

I sat to ponder Abby's purpose on this earth and wondered if her existence ultimately has anything to do with her.  She'll never reach the "age of accountability," so her time on earth is... what?  I don't believe God makes mistakes, but if Heaven is already hers, then why does she seem to suffer so?

I'm working on a behavior strategy.  Like any other it's going to take time and evidently more perseverance than I have right now.  She bests me every time.  Every time she grabs or pinches, I take her hands and put them on her knees and say "No."  Calmly for awhile, but soon I escalate as she doesn't even hesitate for a moment to come right back after me, and I have enough sense to just walk away.  This leads me to believe either she's the most stubborn kid ever, her behaviors have been allowed to go on too long or she just doesn't understand.  I think it's the last option, but does it matter if she gets it or do we continue on the cause/effect hope of cutting it out before we can't physically restrain her?  I tire of holding her hands down long before she stops grabbing back at me.  My heart breaks before my will as I can't help but look into her confused eyes and wonder at what part of my soul dies if I win...

What if her life has little or basically nothing to do with her?  What if she's on this earth...  for us?  For you?  I wonder at how many kids like Abby are here to change us?  Then I wonder how our world is affected as a result of eliminating many of these kids and their purposes in our lives?  If they're here for our benefit, to change us, then what happens if they don't even make it to life?  What kind of people would we be without her?  How would our lives affect yours if she wasn't part of the picture?  Who are we because of her and who are you because of her?  We chose life because there is no other choice for us, but who would you be without us having her and allowing you in?

I changed another stinky diaper because our usual sitting on the toilet while mom sings for a half hour hasn't exactly been much of an option the past couple of days unless I want my jugular removed by her bare hands.  How to make her stop grabbing?  Attention?  sensory?  I've got nothing...

What if all of our lives really have little to nothing to do with us... alone, on our own?  What if our existences are really irrelevant in isolation?  What if all of us were created for each other, and basically without purpose left alone to ourselves?  What significance can we produce outside of someone else sharing it?  What kind of mark could we leave if there was no one there to bare it?   What kind of person would you be in a vacuum?  What if we were all created to have an affect on those around us... good or bad but definitely not alone?  Is not everything we do for the benefit of someone... even if it is ourselves; because we want others to notice what we've done?  Be it altruistic or not?


  1. I'm sorry you are having such a rough time with Abby. I will help pray that you find a solution that works.

  2. I love your whole family so much, and I know without having the opportunity to get to know and love Abby, I wouldn't have had the blessing of knowing her family either! I am so blessed to have spent so much time with you, learning from how you live and the way you share your lives with the people around you. Thank you God for Abby. <3

  3. thinking of you today. I realize my timing today was poor - but wanted you to know that I remember you for the little one that went to his arms too soon - and for the big "little" one that He asked you to walk with here.


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