Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Fresh tears 2nd Goodbyes

My fresh tears mean I loved wholly.  They came to our home when Sheeda was four months old and Ray was fourteen months.  It was a difficult year for us as they came in pretty bad shape, but it was just as difficult when they left.  In my pride (which comes before a fall) I fell hard when the reality of them leaving hit me.  I wanted to be their mom, but knew I wasn't supposed to be.  It's tough when doing a good thing isn't the best or right thing for me to do.  I keep reminding myself that doing good isn't necessarily the good HE wants me to do.  When I say yes to something, I'm automatically saying no to something else... in this case it would've been the best for my family.  The Lord has called us to many things, but not to being the permanent home I wanted it to be as the mother of two beautiful little babies.  I was called to a year, but that just broke my heart all the more. 

Being a mom to such little ones cost much more than I anticipated.  I knew that having babies and being the foster mom would cost a piece of my heart if I did what I was supposed to.  Knowing that loving them totally like my own would cost my heart doesn't make it any easier, but knowing they are going to adoptive parents who don't have other kids does help logically, but... I'm still emotionally missing them.

Loving at all hurts when we truly love.  It's easier to do loving things than it is to actually love, wholly and completely.  Putting everything out there, including your heart, knowing the pains it will cause.  I asked the Lord to teach me to love.  I thought it was about "doing" love, but it's so much more.  It's the kind of thing that sets you up for pain because you're willing to love that much.  I hurt today for that gift of love I've been given.  When I realize His gift to me and how I trample that love, it supernaturally flows through me and allows me to love again. 

Those two little faces will always hold a special place in my heart.  Tears will remind me to pray when they come to mind as they've done over the past two years.  I may not hold their hands now, but I know who can take care of them better than I and will hold to that hope and promise.  They taught me to love in a way I didn't know I could and will forever be changed by it. 

2 comments:

  1. I know that I felt that desire to make them mine as well, Ally. Steve can attest to the fact that I came home from many a visit with Ray and Sheeda crying and saying that I wanted to make them ours. I'm so very touched by the fact that they are going to be loved fully by their new family. Will be praying for you and your family as you learn to let go of them. Remember that ALL or our children are ours only in name's sake. Ultimately, they are His, they belong fully to our Lord Jesus Christ. Love, T

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  2. that is so amazing that you even are a foster parent, let alone an amazing one who cares so deeply. It's amazing and totally inspiring. I know just by being with someone like you early on in their lives will have such a positive impact, but I know it must really be a tough thing to have to let go. Thanks for writing about it, it's refreshing sometimes to realize that there still are amazing people out there, like you. I hope someday to be a foster parent and you're a great role model for that!

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