2018 New Years' Resolution: Wasting Time

  A to V images

I've written down New Year's resolutions in the past.
This year is not one of them. I felt a sense of relief in releasing myself from the ritual, but still aiming to move forward with an alternative approach. I will amend and reassess my goals, but for New Year's resolutions?

I ain't doing it! (random link because she kills me... you're welcome)

Don't get me wrong. I like goals. I want proof that I've been here and made a difference... something I can see or at least a box I can check. I think it's important to assess our lives and be intentional in how we do them rather than cruising on auto-pilot or being like a pinball machine and getting knocked around without purpose.

I'm striving to quit fighting this life stage of overload and find simpler ways to make changes. Every year is different. Putting too much on myself leaves me frustrated and disappointed, but doing nothing isn't a stellar approach either.

So what do we do?

The Lord has been challenging me in themes during the past four years. It may have taken me some time to realize they were God driven goals because I've always thought of God's leading as complex and something I had to figure out like a puzzle... not so much!

Be still

The first year back in SC was hard... really, really hard. There were a lot of tears and despair, but all I kept hearing when I cried out to the LORD was, "BE STILL". I wanted to DO something to make my situation different, but I needed to give myself time to draw closer to HIM and grow before I'd be ready for what he had next. I thought it was a waste to be still until I realized it was the goal rather than the means to a goal. Being still and listening isn't a skill to master but a way of life I'd need to adapt.

Time with God is never wasted. I needed to learn the value of the quiet and trusting the process HE was walking me through. I wish I had spent less time fighting this stage instead of pushing to get through it. There is such value in leaning into the hard places until the purpose is fully brought to fruition, but we have to be tuned in to HIM to see it.

http://www.christianstatements.com/be-still-and-know-that-i-am-god-psalm-46-vinyl-wall-decal-3

Get healthy

The next year ushered in another pair of words... "GET HEALTHY". I kept wanting to feel or be different from my quiet, still place. I wanted the "hard" to go away and return to some kind of normal; but instead of getting any easier, things got harder. It was somewhere in that second year I realized I had to be the one to make changes and take steps to get healthy rather than waiting for a fairy godmother to show up and magically fix me and the crazy life swirling out of control around me.

I lived at least part of my days in despair. All I could say was, "Lord, this is too much." I wasted far too much time blaming or trying to change the situation rather than letting the Lord change me to match the place HE had me.

Instead of getting back to a healthier place, HE wanted to move me forward to a new, better place. I had to surrender my despair and start taking steps to be healthier. The steps often seemed small and insignificant, but as I strung them together, they helped me to slowly move out of despair into doing what I can do rather than lamenting what I couldn't do.

incourage.me

Order your day

The third-year in SC started showing signs of life and living. Our circumstances hadn't changed, but I had. In the midst of getting healthy, I found the one thing that radically changed my life and it was asking the Lord to ORDER MY DAY.

There is one truth about my life I have fought and/or denied for the better part of almost seventeen years. I hate to admit it, but life with Abby is often... too much. Sometimes it is physical lack of sleep or caring for her growing needs. Other times it is the mounds of paperwork, scheduling, and unknowns that emotionally take their toll. No matter what the cause during each season, the reality is I cannot do this life well without God leading or carrying me.

I need Him to pick and choose what I do each day. This frees me up from the guilt of all I cannot do. I am doing what I am called to... nothing more... nothing less. HE orders my day. I hand HIM my "to do" list and listen.

Godminders.org

Choose people

"CHOOSE PEOPLE" was squeezed into the midst of this past year. I have to keep choosing to invest in those around me, even when it is hard. Friendships are hard and messy.

I think I'm an easy friend because I need friends, and I have little expectations of most people. Yet maybe I'm hard for some because I ask for authenticity and digging deeper which may be too heavy at the speed of lightning I engage? I don't really have the time in my life for shallow, casual relationships. I don't care to discuss the weather or fashion trends. I'd prefer to get right to our stories and what the Lord is doing in our lives.

Even when they hurt,
even when they're hard,
relationships are always worth it.
People are always worth my investment of time.
They may be in my life to teach me something or I may be in theirs to teach them something. I may never know.

What I do know beyond a shadow of a doubt is tucked away in all those endless cups of coffee are hidden gems fashioned to walk this life arm-in-arm with me. Some people come for moments, some for seasons, but others remain for a lifetime. I've wasted far too much time mourning the distance between "kindred spirits" (Anne of Green Gables fan) rather than investing in new ones. I don't have to unload the old to make room for the new like I may have once errantly thought. God gives us what we need and he only gives good gifts.

bible app

Tell your story

"TELL YOUR STORY" has been the theme of this stage of my life. I am making progress, but I still fight it. It's not that I don't want to share, but it's the vulnerability and emotion that accompanies it that causes resistance inside me.

The Lord obviously knows I need to remember HIS faithfulness to be able to trust HIM more in the future. He also knows my story encourages and challenges others.

While I desire to be a beacon of HIS light in my strength and accomplishments, HE shines brightest in my weakness. I'm learning to take the opportunities to share what HE has done and what HE is doing in our lives because it's actually crazy amazing! I also want my girls to know this kind of stuff isn't normal... but God.

Psalm 145:4-7
"One generation commends your works to another;
    they tell of your mighty acts.
They speak of the glorious splendor of your majesty—
    and I will meditate on your wonderful works.[b]
They tell of the power of your awesome works—
    and I will proclaim your great deeds.
They celebrate your abundant goodness
    and joyfully sing of your righteousness."

New Resolutions?
So what does this year look like?

Wasting time...
Nice resolution, right?
I want to not only spend time with Jesus and human beings but to be frivolous and extravagant with it!

I know time with Jesus is never technically "wasted" but we know we waste time every day. So... If I'm going to waste time, I want to see what HE can do with it! I want to be frivolous in spending what I think is too much time with HIM and less time on what I think needs to happen.

I just finished the book Unseen by Sara Hagerty. I HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT!  In it, she writes about the novel idea of wasting time with Jesus and it has stuck with me.

I often think the places I'm in are unproductive but am learning they may be just the opposite. They could be the greatest possible opportunity for the best return on my investment in "not busy" time. I can wrap myself in guilt from of all the activities I miss or cannot be a part of, or realize the value of the space I have to draw closer to God, family, and friends.

An unexpected benefit comes in being more purposeful in the places I chose to be rather than resenting all the obligatory places that seem to steal my time, leaving me exhausted, spent, and generally unhealthy. Hopefully, I'm also more present and pleasant when I am out. It makes me more of the person I desire to be rather than the crazy lady running around like a chicken with my head cut off? I'm not desperate for downtime or thrilled when practice is canceled because they're events we've intentionally chosen and look forward to.

If I'm going to waste time, it's going to be investing in God and people because in the end that is all that matters. Feel free to give it a try too! Let's waste time on the Lord and the people He puts in our lives!

Learning to Treasure

Random moments... beautiful pictures... all reminders of the blessings in the pictures and behind the camera... learning to stop and treasure. photo credit A to V images

Treasuring or missing

I was pulling Abby's shirt over her head as I got her ready for school when she leaned in for an unprompted kiss. Because it doesn't happen very often it snapped me out of my autopilot mode, and a deep sense of gratitude washed over me.

Millie took my hand after finishing up breakfast and said, "Mom, I want to cuddle you on the couch."
Without a moment's hesitation, I stopped to Be still with my sweet baby.

I wonder if these were rare moments or if I usually miss them in the "busyness" of my days? How can I slow down enough to tuck these treasures into my heart like Mary (the mother of Jesus)?

"But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart." Luke 2:19

I've read that line more than a dozen times, but it oddly stuck this time. I desperately want to "get" Christmas but have no idea how to set aside this season to focus on the Lord when the "holiday" keeps taking over? Where is the line between obligations that heap unnecessary burdens and embracing opportunities to show love and worship more fully? How do I add to my already full schedule and still treasure?

A dental appointment turned sweet on this day with some encouragement from people there... treasuring in the midst of hard moments too.

Tug of War

Whenever I don't know what to do next, the answer is always taking a step closer to HIM and listening. This season is an opportunity to practice hearing HIS voice among the blinking lights and myriad of more intense distractions.

It feels like a tug of war between the manger and Santa with my heart in the middle. I keep thinking it's my actions that matter, but it's actually a fight for my heart. It's not exactly a good versus evil routine. How much easier it would be if there were labeled boxes of "good things" to take out and another for "bad things" to put away, and voila' I'd do Christmas right! Unfortunately, taking Santa out of Christmas or pulling down the Christmas tree won't change my heart any more than having a bigger nativity in my yard or better bible verse on my Christmas card does. There is no simple formula for us to follow to set our hearts on Jesus during Christmas.

We want our actions to define our hearts when it's our hearts that define our actions. Sometimes I  may need to physically take Santa down because he's clouding my view, but it's only a temporary fix for the symptom of an ill-focused heart. This is hard. So very, very hard because there is so much about Christmas that is worshipful and good; but it is not all beneficial.

My dear cousin spent Thanksgiving with us... A Reminder to "choose people" in life because they matter the most. She could've done a thousand other things for this holiday but instead chose to spend it with us... Learning to stop and treasure 

Please give me the formula to follow

Once again I need to sit with open hands and open heart. In the quiet of the twinkling lights and turn my heart to the only one who can "order my days". I really want to love the people in my life well, but how can I do it without letting the holiday overshadow the hope of all mankind coming to provide a way to spend eternity with HIM? Just typing that sentence makes my struggle seem ridiculous! Seriously, how can I let Holiday trump Savior of the world?

But what does this look like practically?

It's not about giving less but giving better or even more. It's about stopping to see those around us and meeting needs of the heart rather than throwing money in the air hoping it falls where it should go. It's about smiling at the guy ringing the bell and letting my kids put money in the red bucket rather than avoiding eye contact and hurrying by.

This tree causes me to ponder and treasure because it was a gift from a fellow mom who had a child in the hospital during my time there with Millie. She lived locally and couldn't bear the thought of me not having a Christmas tree up that year. She walked in one day before Christmas with this for me... treasuring friends for seasons.

It's not about working in the soup kitchen Christmas Day versus buying gifts for every family member but choosing where I put my time and money. It's about knowing God is just as happy with me cuddling up on the couch reading advent stories to my girls as he is when I'm volunteering to wrap gifts for a cause.

Sometimes my heart may be stingy and I need to spend money on EVERYONE until I realize it's HIS money and not mine. At other times, money may be plentiful and HE may call me to give the gift of my time to an aging grandparent or lonely neighbor when it would be much easier to drop off a gift basket than to stay and visit or keep a regular invitation to do so.

It's just so much easier to follow a to-do list for "righteous living" than to follow a Savior with my heart every single day. She who is the most worn out after Christmas is not the most righteous. Martha busied herself doing good things while her sister, Mary, sat at Jesus' feet. Jesus said Mary chose better (Luke 10). The one who buys the most or best gifts doesn't win any more than the one who buys no gifts and gives all to charity. Foregoing all gift giving is no more righteous than going broke buying too much.

He doesn't intend for us to live by a book of laws and regulations with a step-by-step plan. The Bible continually moves our focus from what we do to why we do it (Matthew).

A heart change is necessary to treasure

I want to be like Mary this Christmas and treasure up all these things in my heart without a side of guilt from unreasonable expectations... mine and others.

My body may turn from side to side, but my heart needs to remain steady, anchored, and focused on the hope wrapped up in the baby lying in that manger. I need my heart to steer my body because my body cannot lead my heart. 

We are all called to different places, physically and financially. Being faithful to those people, places, and activities is how each best answers the call of this season. I cannot look at what my neighbor is doing and compare because The Lord doesn't' lay out their calling for me to view and reproduce in my life. He has a unique path for me that I must follow.

I am simply to be faithful to hear HIS voice, do what HE says, and encourage others to do so as well. This will help me to let go of judging others and release me to only please "an audience of one" I should be focusing on.

Abby's love has never been cheap. We've waited many years to have her express it in any way. I thought I needed it to be verbal, but these moments still take my breath away... she loves her daddy... treasuring family love. photo credit A to V images

A prayer for us

May we all take a step closer to Jesus this Christmas to find HIS voice among the carols and the Greatest gift in the midst of the presents. May we set our eyes on HIM and tune our ears to hear the story HE's been weaving since the beginning of time. I will pray this prayer for you and appreciate if you'd do the same for me.

This moment in this place matters. Time spent with HIM is never wasted. Let's give it a try and waste time on Jesus this Christmas!

The miracle of 4

photo credit: A to V images

The reality of this day four years ago has me up tonight with more feels than I can contain by sleep. There is so much beauty and struggle in the fading memory. Some days it barely feels real as I fight to remember and forget at the same time. My sanity thinks I needs to move on, but my soul longs to remember... to never forget. 

When one serves a God of miracles through the unexplained and medicine there is a happy medium of definite answers we strive for. My mind wants to sort it all out, but my heart knows life doesn't fall into nice, neat categories of answers sometimes. 

Another trip to the hospital with Abby less than two years ago reminded me of that time with my newborn in a helpless, painful way; yet brought to surface things I had tried hard to forget. 

There is what feels like a fog left in the aftermath of traumatic experiences. I don't fully want to engage it, yet the efforts to bury it four years later prove a unrealistic vanity or futile survival techniques. My inability to wrap my hands around something tangible leaves me gasping for air and wondering how to process through a painful time my healthy mind is diabolically trying to suppress and resurface together.

There are snapshots scattered in my head like out of place pictures. I sort through them tonight wondering if the weighty memories will crush me or if my shoulders have strengthened to the task of remembering... healing... telling that story.


I didn't think there was a box in my mind for when something went so terribly wrong because I didn't think I could possibly prepare for any more nightmares. I wonder tonight if I had been wrong all those years ago and maybe we had been more prepared than we thought? What if the God in the quiet moments had been building us up for this... the fights beyond our sight? It's not like a shot of steroids that speeds up the process, but more of a quiet increase that can only happen from finding that safe fold between HIS arms through our other hard places?

We want to be ready for those moments that shake us to the core but can feel helpless to do so. Could we be gaining the tools through other weighty circumstances? In order to reach out to a God of provision, comfort, and hope we need to be familiar with trusting HIM in the smaller, seemingly less significant steps along our paths. He promises to be close to the brokenhearted (Matthew 5), but we have to let Him ooze into the crevices of belief and unbelief in those moments of our deepest needs when our faith is tested.

He is faithful to fill in the gaps when our strength fails and the door between this life and the next is open or paper thin. In those moments what we believe about Heaven matters more than what we believe about earth and life. Going there with a loved one changes us if we let it. We grow to understand the faith of those who have gone before us. We lean into that faith we cannot see and trust in the hope we have no frame of reference to fully understand. In the darkness we choose to trust a God we know by heart or we will crumble into tiny pieces across the floor of a waiting space, hoping there will be enough heart left to get us out.

I think there were moments four years ago when I crumbled under the weight of my expectations of God and His role in my life. I expected HIM to prevent any more struggle than "life with Abby" rather than adjusting the suit of armor HE'd been infusing into my veins to prepare me for this day because of that journey. HE knew there would be darker days ahead. A grade four brain bleed didn't take him by surprise, nor did it upset his world or his plans for me. Whether he ordained it or allowed it matters far less today than it did back then because the answer no longer possesses the weight of the diagnosis in comparison to the disaster relief that followed.

I count it all joy (James 1) easier today because I get to see the other side. In the healing, I feel the miraculous deeply. Perhaps because I also live the brokenness of growing under HIS answer of "no" to our prayers of healing for my firstborn. 

I hate to admit it, but I wasn't sure HE was a God who could be trusted to bring good when Millie was undergoing brain surgery. He hadn't changed, but I had unintentionally adjusted my view of "The Healer" to accommodate the disappointment I had felt with a diagnosis of disability again. My faith was fragile and I wasn't sure I could handle another "no". It was easier not to ask or hope. 

photo credit: A to V images

The further I get from that time, the easier it is to forget the reality that blood in the brain causes damage. My girl has brain damage but God in His sovereignty is allowing us to live a different story.

In honor of a God who chose healing, and a little girl who bears only a bump on her head in remembrance, would you share our story today? Not just cutting and pasting or posting on social media but with your voice. Please let us remember this snapshot in time with grateful hearts. May it serve to remind us HE still moves stones, He still works in the miraculous. This Thanksgiving I'm particularly thankful for friends who bravely entered our story in spite of the pain, so they can bear eyewitness and help us remember. 

If you were a part of those dark days four years ago, don't forget. Help us tell it because you witnessed it, making it your story as well. May God be glorified today in the life of Millie Elizabeth, and may each who hear be strengthened in their journey to take a step closer to that same God who can be trusted in the good and the bad. He may not take us out of the struggle or prevent a life with pains, but he is faithful to bring us through and redeem it. 

Though He doesn't guarantee to heal on this earth, stories like Millie's give us a glimpse into the beauty of eternity where he will wipe away every tear (Revelation 21:4). He will right all wrongs one day. Sometimes we get a win here on earth and sometimes our losses grow our longing for an ultimate win in eternity. Either way, there is hope in Christ. This is why we celebrate differently today. Thank you for celebrating her life with us!

photo credit: A to V images