The picture I was striving for was juggling fewer plates so everything wouldn't shatter when one broke or went askew. I'm seeing the need for s-p-a-c-e in my life to do the expected unexpected. I've had a short season of wondering if I am doing enough. I'm not used to it and my natural response is to add something. It's weird to have time to get my groceries, make dinner most nights, spend time with my girls, and nurture friendships.
I was feeling uncomfortable in this new skin used for competitive swimming rather than the old treading water after being thrown overboard during a storm. I started to wonder if I was amiss in what I was doing?
I ask HIM to "order my days" but question the results. Hmmm...
A not so gentle reminder
Baby loss and Abby's birthday
Abby's birthday falls a few days after the anniversary of the baby loss part of our story. It is usually a melancholy day where I dream a little about what it would look like to have another one around here and wonder what our house would look like with a little guy. I think the Lord heals us in bits and pieces as we are ready. I don't think I'll ever "move on," but I know I hurt less and long a bit more for eternity.
Abby's birthday comes a couple days later with a mix of emotions. It's historically been tough for different reasons. It was hard when she was young because she was unable to open gifts. As soon as she acquired the skill to open, she really had no desire to do so and could care less about the process. There may have been some playing with the paper but gifts were of no consequence to her. This pretty much sums up how she feels about cake or any other treat, decoration, or party affiliated activity as well... completely indifferent. I think this year I was tired of faking a party for someone who really didn't want it.
She has seemed to grow in her affection for "the birthday song" which makes all the birthday wishes more pleasant as my family likes to sing to each other for birthdays. I do believe it is my sister's fault because she is a birthday crazy and is the one in the family with a lovely voice.
We decided several years ago that Abby's birthdays were for her sisters. We didn't want them to get the picture that Abby was less by not celebrating and were content to do a family party because everyone else seemed to enjoy Abby's cupcakes and the excitement of her "opening her gifts" which is really just a game of "finding her toys" we put in bags with tissue paper. We usually add something she needs so we don't feel like loser parents entirely.
It's more me than her
Most of the angst of each year lays on our shoulders rather than hers and for this I am grateful. It is my heart that hurts when we've never had a friend birthday party or a friend of any kind for that matter. She has friends but not peer friends, nor is she capable of making, maintaining, or even caring about that missed aspect of her life like this little guy...
This struggle is real. Please watch and have your kids watch because there are many kids like him. Friendships are hard, especially for those with special needs, but also for those of different races, physical features, and personalities.
Future Fears
The fears usually churn silently inside of me. I think I'm doing well, but my body often tells a different tale of a sickness or flare up. I hold on to known and unknown fears looming in the future. We've seen a view of life without Abby and it hurt more than I could've ever imagined. My hands were empty as I sat next to her hospital bed because there was nothing I could grasp for control. It's taught me to "Number my days," (Psalm 90:12). Watching her motionless with tubes breathing for her was a painful reminder that tomorrow is not guaranteed. I hate this picture but love how it takes my focus off what doesn't matter and unto what does... I don't want to miss a day.
Yet all of that is swirled with so much uncertainty. She's getting older, my hope for more independence shrinks, and I'm tired... 17 years. This warrior mom is weary. I see the lines in my face and the gray creeping into the corners of my skull, but my caregiving duties haven't faded. I'm still on my knees each day putting on braces, lacing shoes, changing diapers, feeding, bathing, and begging God for more purpose. I know there is purpose but I want more, fresh purpose poured out just for today. I know instinctively it is there, but asking for God's grace to allow me to see it. I want to need less, but find myself needing MORE. But in the wanting I find more... so much more.
Jeremiah 29:13 (NIV)"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
Birthdays... such a dichotomy of emotions swirling together in a heart that is both entirely filled up with gratefulness and fears. Thankful my fears don't cancel out my faith.
Each day is a new set of "challenges". We will adjust; we always do. God has no problem leading, carrying, or wiping away my tears. He holds me close when the tears and fears are fresh rather than pushing me aside in frustration over my lack of faith. Patiently He continues to teach and helps me grow stronger with each new obstacle course. He allows me to be faint but never leaves me alone in my weakness or dark places. He's teaching me to pray for stronger shoulders rather than a lighter load.
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