Could weakness be the path to strength?

A good reminder that I can't always see the big picture of what HE's doing...
From where I stood this was an awkward pose but I trusted the picture taker... amazing, right?
photo credit: AtoV Images

I was out for a walk with one of my friends, and the conversations went something like this...

Her: "How was leadership council with CBS this week?"
Me: (sigh... trying to find the words) "I shared my story this week."
Her: "That's great! How'd it go?"
Me: "I pretty much cried through most of it." I felt humiliated. I was debating on even telling her about it, but God in HIS sovereignty led her straight to the wound I'd been nursing for almost 24 hours now; so I pressed on. "I don't understand why the Lord keeps telling me to share my story when I'm going to be such a train wreck? My emotions take over and I miss a lot of what I'd wanted to say. Why can't HE just let me write about it where the tears fall in private and the message is more clear?"
Her: "Tears aren't bad. They make it real."
Me: "I just want to be able to share it coherently. I feel like I'm looking for pity and that's not the purpose. How can they see what the Lord has done and is doing when I'm just a puddle, squeaking words out? I felt like a pathetic mess."

Then she said something, I'm going to have to chew on awhile to decide if I can accept and own it or not? Was she making me feel better as friends do, or did she have a valid point? Hope started to spring up within me and soothe my exposed soul as soon as these words spilled out...
Her: "The emotion doesn't make you look weak but strong. You've been through hard things and you're still fighting for God's best. Do you listen to women tell hard stories and think they're pathetic?"
Me:  "Hmmm... I guess not, but why do I feel so awful when they're my tears and not when they are someone else's?"

P-R-I-D-E?

Two steps forward
           ...one step back
                      ...still moving forward

The thing is, my story isn't over. It's still hard. If I'm completely honest today was a struggle. This past month has been a battle. I've had many days where I've questioned where HE's got me and where HE's sending me. Am I supposed to be doing _________? Did I misread the call?

Nope. 
I know I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. 
Just because it's turbulent doesn't mean it's wrong. 

Just like the disciples in Matthew 8, The big waves scare me from remembering Jesus is on the ship. He's resting because HE knows who HE is. I fret because I see the storm rather than the storm maker. His dominion surpasses the storm and I know it in my head but my eyes betray me by seeing only what is in front of me rather than who is inside of me. He's waiting to calm the storm if I'd just believe and ask...

My story isn't a distant memory of a time long gone, but bits and pieces glued together making up who I am today. Separating the emotions would be like disconnecting my heart from the rest of my body and expecting to stay alive.

The stories throughout my lifetime, the roads I've taken, are grafted into who I am becoming. They're not events that happen outside my body but they penetrate and infuse who I will be tomorrow. They define my past, present, and the future me. If God's not surprised at where I've been or where I'm going, then HE's orchestrating who I am to be... even while the storm rages around me.

The emotions make it real. The rawness of the words forms pictures in my head taking me back to those hard places. If it's not an impossible story, I am big enough to put the pieces in play by myself, but when I share in my weakness, He's the only one left to receive the praise.

TRUTH: My giant of a God doesn't need me to make himself look good. My tears don't lessen HIM or what HE's doing but distinguish the pride threatening to tell my story in my strength.

 This photoshoot is a story all on its own...
God sees me so differently than I see me. (story to come later)
photo credit: AtoV images

My job is to say "YES, LORD... to whatever you ask of me... anytime... anywhere," and let HIM decide how it comes out and how it is received.