crohns/colitis/Intestinal Bowel disease

I've left out my personal health because I want to pretend I'm fine.  I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis about four years ago.  A year and a half after that diagnosis and three colonoscopies, I added Crohn's to my diagnosis.  

After trying all the meds without success I got a book from a lady who overheard me talking about my new diagnosis and inability to get it under control. She had been given a good, even though she didn't need it and offered to pass it onto me. It was about a guy dying of Crohn's but through nutrition got better.  The Maker's Diet by Josh Rubin was holistic medicine meets logic.  I started to eat natural food, minus the sugar and saw a dramatic change in the way I felt.

I think it's been successful overall since I haven't been in the hospital with any surgeries, but in the past couple of months, it has dominated more of my day than I would like.   I should be thankful I'm having some success without meds, but the fact that I have to think about what I eat constantly makes me want to scream!

Sure, I'm not dying of cancer or something else, but I can't bring my mind and body to overlook the painful and/or embarrassing symptoms because someone else has it worse.  Their pains don't lessen mine.  I'm trying not to let the symptoms dominate my days, but pain and appropriate food consumption is kind of a big deal!  

I don't like focusing on me. I'm a mama and it feels unnatural.  I thought if I didn't have time to fuss over myself that it would all go away. I thought that I could train myself to not feel the pain.  Kind of like mind over matter? It seems silly putting it into words.  If I didn't get so wrapped up in myself, I'd be able to not let my life revolve around my disease.    I was wrong.  None of that worked.

There's something powerfully humbling about knowing what might eventually kill you one day.  The thought of cancer doesn't necessarily scare me, but knowing my body won't hold up to treatments does.  I guess maybe it's a thorn in my side.  It reminds me daily that I'm not in control.  It reminds me that I need the Lord.  It's a constant side-show in my life that I must make time to address.

Like most things in my life, I have to eventually face it head-on.  I spent a lot of time on it at first, but when my symptoms subsided or lessened I put it on the back burner.  I've told many people who have kids with special needs like I do that it's okay to cry at times... as long as you stop.  I've been brooding rather than crying, but I need to stop.  I want someone else to take up the torch and figure it out for me, but I know that's not going to happen. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and start acting.  If I address it and figure it out, it's less likely to consume me.  I have to figure out what can and cannot go into my body.  I have to go organic, gluten-free, free range, time-consuming and expensive.  Whining again, I know. Yes, I'm angry.  It's like a stage of grief.  I've been angry, in denial, sad, and now hopefully I'm moving toward acceptance.  

On the bright side, I had a doctor tell me I would be healthier than most people eventually when I got it under control because I would pay attention to what goes into my mouth and that will affect my overall health. Hmmm... I think she's crazy, but we'll see. It makes sense. I'm annoyed but she's probably right. It could be a blessing in disguise.