nine years ago

I was reminiscing about nine years ago today sitting in the pre-op room waiting for the team from neonatology to arrive in order to deliver Abby.  We knew at 21 gestational weeks of Abby's diagnosis, yet what we would see when she arrived was anybody's guess.  The room was sterile, quiet... unsettling, I was safely strapped down,  my face stained from the tears I'd been crying after the latest report from the neonatologist, apprehension for my firstborn & how our lives would change from this moment on & my best friend who I married stroking my face as he visibly struggled to hold himself together... for me.

They said she would be extremely small.  She hadn't grown in a month according to the ultrasounds.  The team would get her out and wisk her away... I might not see her for awhile.  She would likely be deformed. 

She arrived 7lbs. 2 oz.  Her apgars were 9 & 9.  She cried.  I cried.  Everyone in the room cried.  She was perfectly formed.  "I don't know who you're praying to, but it worked- she's beautiful," said the nurse anesthestist.  I was numb.  It was a surreal moment.  She was beautiful.  She is beautiful.  We had the opportunity to have a "normal" child for the next six months.  We didn't know this journey we'd take, but being in denial for awhile because of Abby's outward perfection helps me be patient with other parents who aren't ready either. 

I'm grateful for those months of normalcy.  I'm grateful I didn't know then what I know now.  I'm grateful that days come one at a time.  I'd like to know the future in theory, but in reality I know He gives me one day at a time for a reason... I couldn't handle more.  I've adapted into the person I am today.  I didn't asimply arrive here, but took the journey.  I'm a work in progress & who I am is so closely linked to that perfect tiny hand wrapped around my little finger... nine years ago today.