Chick-fil-a rocks!

decker rd 

Traveling alone with both Abby (special ed) and Millie (4yr old sister) to an appointment is never easy. I usually try to avoid it by having Dad, big sister, or a caregiver come, but sometimes I don't have a choice.

On one particular day, we had to go to an appointment an hour and a half away for Abby, and Millie was a rockstar! This meant we had to stop for lunch, but the prospect of Millie and Abby in a restaurant by myself was right up there with licking the doorknob at the doctor's office on the way out... no, thank you!

Dramatic? Not really! Somedays I feel like the ambassador for special needs and other days, I'm capable of biting the head off of anyone who looks at us cross-eyed or maybe even looks at us at all.  I'm not proud of it, but it is a fact I'm aware of and aim to avoid contact with other humans on the "not going to play well with others" sort of days.

This day was the latter. I was tired of being hit, pinched, and pulled by Abby the entire one and a half hour trip to the doctor's office. Adding to the fun of a regular appointment, this one was particularly hard. Pretty sure it sucked a few years off of my life with the reality of a seventeen-year-old special needs child who will never be adulting. It's really too much to take in by oneself. I wanted to crawl up in a dark room and have a well-deserved pity party, not go to a restaurant!  I was barely feeling sane enough to drive back home from Columbia, let alone take on dining out. I was hoping Millie would forget in the chaos, but Daddy had lovingly reminded her of the "fun day" last night before bed... nice SELL Daddy!

Abby had "Houdini-ed" out of her restraints and could reach me in the car before we even pulled out of the parking lot... UGH! It was going to be a long, painful ride home. I know she isn't trying to hurt me, but pinching, scratching and hair pulling are painful regardless of the intent.

On a necessary public service side note... I found out my smartphone is smarter than I knew as I redirected my guy, Siri with an Austrailian accent who calls me "Love", to get me to the nearest Chick-fil-a. Did you know Siri could do that? In maps, I asked him to redirect me and he did. I'm easily amused, so it temporarily lifted my spirits enough to put a smile on my face and get me to pull in to the much-anticipated lunch.

I took a picture of the location bc I knew I'd forget

Big breath...
Going anywhere with Abby is akin to dragging a stubborn donkey around. She either needs to be pulled in the right direction, restrained from taking off in the wrong direction or grabbing anyone or anything in her path. We're like a circus act without the stunts, unless you include me jumping around her like a crazy woman trying to keep her from pulling on strangers. She really is no respecter of people. She pulls on all equally regardless of size, gender, or race. That's beautifully politically correct, right? And her "vocalizing" (sounds way better than random screaming) gets the attention of those who may have missed our walking-hug-drag procession in line. I try to smile as we become the entertainment and wait our turn to order as if everyone wasn't staring at us.

I was wrestling Abby through the line, holding her in place while ordering and attempting to keep her octopus arms from tearing their signs and clearing off the counters loaded with hot food!  I was sweating from the process when I remembered another reason why I love Chick-fil-a, they acted as if nothing was out of the ordinary and took my order. Actually, it was "their pleasure" to do so!

Millie doesn't quite get Abby still being in diapers but she understands helping her eat!

They politely brought our order to the table (another huge deal as there is no way I could've done it). I've actually had fast food folks watch me wrestle her to the table as I darted back for our tray. I fell into the booth across from Abby hoping she couldn't reach us after wedging her far enough into the seat so hopefully she couldn't escape.

I urged Millie to quickly start eating because Abby eats like it's a race to stuff as much food into her mouth as quickly as possible. Surely she'd win an eating contest if speed was the goal. Our family knows once the food is gone, we are all done eating whether our food is gone or not. Either we leave or we keep feeding her our food because that is the scope of her world. We do work on it, but being able to eat in public is a big deal... baby steps. I did not feel up to working on that particular skill that day.

"Happy Dance" for ice cream

Becuase not all fast food restaurants are created equal, Chick-fil-a clientele isn't either. As we finished up our lunch, an employee brought us a dish of ice cream. Some fellow diner anonymously bought us ice cream. They never stopped to say anything but just blessed us because they noticed and wanted to. I could've cried on the spot!

If that wasn't' enough another employee asked if she could bring my girls little-stuffed cows they had in the back. Um... yes! Millie was in love and another nice gesture was just too much!

She hugged the cow on her own... no posing because I'm not that good

Indeed, life with Abby is a bit overwhelming, but her crazy is at the very least matched but usually exceeded by the blessings! We may get stared at more than anyone else, but we also get doted on by perfect strangers more than most. It is truly humbling, but once again the hard of that day was brightened by the love we were shown by strangers at a Chick-fil-a!

5 Reasons to Make New Friends

*I started this post and shelved it more than a dozen times in the past couple of years. I struggle to press the publish button because it's still rawer than I'd like to admit. It needed to come from a place of peace and gratefulness for so many new friends who took a chance on me.

I remember being super excited to re-invent myself and make new friends when I went away to Liberty University at eighteen. As college students do, we jumped into new relationships with reckless abandon, spending endless hours pouring out our hopes and dreams to each other. Oh... the beauty of those days.  It was so natural, seamless, and filled with innocent optimism.

Fast forward twenty-some years, after marriage, kids, sickness, more moves and a large dose of messy life, the fear of never having friends again started to suffocate me. I found a very different girl in this new place than the one who had bravely made several moves before. Not only was I was timid and nervous, but I had some sharp edges I didn't recognize. I was skeptical of new people, tainted by past relationships, wary of the effort it would take, and more insecure than I had ever been before. I wasn't sure I was up for the challenge of building friendships again, nor did I see myself as a friend worth making. I don't think I knew who I was anymore, who I wanted to be, or what kind of person to seek out. I couldn't see past my broken mess and didn't know how to ask another to do so either?

Lifelong friends... maybe not the best pic of us but I love it because it shows some hard life among us 

Life happened and I've changed. My friends and I have evolved over the years. We've loved each other from where we were right into who we are and made unwritten promises to endure through to who we will become. Those relationships were hard fought for. They embody endless amounts of grace given and much more received. How do I start over at, "Hi! My name is Allison?" I just couldn't bear it!

Starting over is daunting.

I may have known in my head making new friends wasn't a luxury but a necessity but it didn't help me find them. I knew success or failure in this place lay in the balance of being bold or hiding in a corner but I felt helpless to choose. I had to persevere to find gals willing to open their hearts when presented with mine. It's a vulnerable place to be. After leaving my friends and family, being exhausted without help (Abby), and still sorting through my belief that God was good after Millie's brain bleed, I was sure my heart couldn't handle anymore. Was it even worth it? I've been unpacking that question and here's what I found...

5 reasons to make new friends:

1.  New friends challenge who we are today

New friends don't know who we were. They don't give credit for what we've done in the past. They force us to be the person we want to be each and every day. We don't get to live in the glory days of high school, college, or early ministry. They see us for who we are today, and can challenge us to keep evolving and growing into who we will become. New friends force us to answer questions like, "Who am I? How do I want people to see me?" It's easy to tell someone what I used to be, but it matters little compared to who I am today.

There is such a chasm between telling about the past and going through it together. Today we are still becoming who we want to be rather than just celebrating who we once were. New friends challenge us to be the person we think we are or the person we've spent a lifetime portraying. We cannot build on who we once were but have to start with who we are.

2.  New friends add spice we didn't know we needed

People who have moved know what it's like to be new and tend to be better friends because they have had a little more practice... successes and failures. When we live in one place our entire lives, there's a chance we can still boast the friends our moms made for us when she and her bestie had babies. Sure, we may have learned to make a friend or two on our own, but there is a chance we may not have needed to.  New friends, on the other hand, have learned to go the extra mile and teach us how to love bigger and better. They can bring an exciting perspective to our lives with new places and experiences.

new friends

3.  Our hearts grow with each new friendship

It's been said we only have so many connectors, but is it Godly wisdom or human perspective? There may not be room for unlimited besties, but there should always be room for more. If we limit friendships based on my perceived capacity to love, we could be trying to love with our own power instead of letting the love of Christ flow through us. We love best when HIS love pours out onto others. We don't love well on our own. If it is HIS love flowing through us, then there are no limits on our capacity to love. We don't have to let go of the friends behind to embrace new ones.

4.  New friends give us space to let go

New friends help us let go of old friends. Sometimes we hold on to people long after their expiration date. There is a friend who is meant for short seasons, others for longer, and a precious few who endure the test of time and distance. All are valuable and a gift, but not all are supposed to be forever friends.

When we make time for new people, we are able to hold other friends loosely. There are times we need to love people enough to let them go with our blessing. Letting go hurts but can free both of us to be all God wants us to be. We may be holding each other back or getting in the way. We need not choke the life out of friends because we're white-knuckling their shirt tails worrying they may find someone they like better. Give them room to find fresh air instead of sucking it out of the room.

surprise blessings

5.  God protects us with new friendship paths open and closed

We don't like to think of God removing people or hindering a friendship because we may not be good for each other in personality or during a specific season. He may also be making room for a better match at the time. When we hold on to a sinking ship, we could go under with it and that loyalty would be lost at the bottom of the ocean. When we are a strong lifeboat, we are more capable of pulling the damaged to safety; but when we are patching our own holes, we add dead weight.

I tend to get overly excited when meeting new people. In doing so, I can get discouraged when we end up being "high five" friends instead of the sisters I envisioned. God may be protecting me (or them) from a better suited connection. He may be saying "no" or "not now," but I can confidently trust when a door is shutting. I don't need to barge through ripping it from the hinges because that never turns out well. It only amounts to heartache and a waste of time and energy.

Wasting time

I've been guilty of feeling I wasted time investing in the wrong folks, but time spent on people is rarely wasted. And the time they spend on me is a gift I grow and/or learn from. Even if we aren't meant to be soul sisters, we could be happy acquaintances, right? Our kindness is never wasted. We don't need to let fear of overwhelming attachments hinder but nudge us to set healthy boundaries.

Everyone won't fit into our "family". We are unique. I've found some LOVE us and others are positively frightened by the way we do life. We live with a large measure of chaos. There are types who are drawn to us and others can't get away fast enough.

I'm finding we can have a level of friendship either way. I can learn from and enjoy those who seem to require inordinate amounts of peace and those who entertain heightened crazy. I enjoy having both in my life because variety is good. LIfe is largely about learning to accept, embrace, and get along with those who are different.

#INAM

The last thought on friendship is the hardest for me to actualize, but it may be the most important...

It's Not About Me

 I want to think friendships are about enriching my life, rather than focusing on what I have to offer. I want to move on when I am injured or pained rather than stick with it when I am offended and assume the best. Friendships are multifaceted in the sense we add to each other's lives by giving life and helping each other grow. If God exists in three persons it's a good indication He intends that for us as well.

New friends may need us even though we don't think we need them. Sometimes they can be hidden or surprise blessings. I tend to reach out because I know what it's like to be new, but I've found some beautiful gems I hadn't sought for any reason other than empathy and found true friendships.

Satan strives to isolate because when alone, we are easier to conquer or at the very least discourage. We need people to speak truth into our lives when we are believing lies, lift up our arms when we are weary, and often just simply witness our lives.

Give it a try...  make a new friend today!

Another birthday... 17

The picture I was striving for was juggling fewer plates so everything wouldn't shatter when one broke or went askew. I'm seeing the need for s-p-a-c-e in my life to do the expected unexpected. I've had a short season of wondering if I am doing enough. I'm not used to it and my natural response is to add something. It's weird to have time to get my groceries, make dinner most nights, spend time with my girls, and nurture friendships.

I was feeling uncomfortable in this new skin used for competitive swimming rather than the old treading water after being thrown overboard during a storm. I started to wonder if I was amiss in what I was doing?

I ask HIM to "order my days" but question the results. Hmmm...

A not so gentle reminder

The last couple of weeks have been tough. A not so gentle reminder why I needed the extra space I'd been growing. It didn't make the days any easier, but I was in a better place to absorb the "hard" required. Rather than pushing the adrenaline button, I'd have to recover from later, I switched gears and could let a few things fall by the wayside (Christmas tree is still up) rather than taking years off of my life. The situation was partly emotional baggage mixed with some extra physical. It was the sixth anniversary of the loss of our baby,  Abby's seventeenth birthday and Abby's caregiver has had some changes in her life highlighting a need for more help at home and school.

Baby loss and Abby's birthday

Abby's birthday falls a few days after the anniversary of the baby loss part of our story. It is usually a melancholy day where I dream a little about what it would look like to have another one around here and wonder what our house would look like with a little guy. I think the Lord heals us in bits and pieces as we are ready. I don't think I'll ever "move on," but I know I hurt less and long a bit more for eternity.

Abby's birthday comes a couple days later with a mix of emotions.  It's historically been tough for different reasons. It was hard when she was young because she was unable to open gifts. As soon as she acquired the skill to open, she really had no desire to do so and could care less about the process. There may have been some playing with the paper but gifts were of no consequence to her. This pretty much sums up how she feels about cake or any other treat, decoration, or party affiliated activity as well... completely indifferent. I think this year I was tired of faking a party for someone who really didn't want it.

She has seemed to grow in her affection for "the birthday song" which makes all the birthday wishes more pleasant as my family likes to sing to each other for birthdays. I do believe it is my sister's fault because she is a birthday crazy and is the one in the family with a lovely voice.

We decided several years ago that Abby's birthdays were for her sisters. We didn't want them to get the picture that Abby was less by not celebrating and were content to do a family party because everyone else seemed to enjoy Abby's cupcakes and the excitement of her "opening her gifts" which is really just a game of "finding her toys" we put in bags with tissue paper. We usually add something she needs so we don't feel like loser parents entirely.

It's more me than her

Most of the angst of each year lays on our shoulders rather than hers and for this I am grateful. It is my heart that hurts when we've never had a friend birthday party or a friend of any kind for that matter. She has friends but not peer friends, nor is she capable of making, maintaining, or even caring about that missed aspect of her life like this little guy...

This struggle is real. Please watch and have your kids watch because there are many kids like him. Friendships are hard, especially for those with special needs, but also for those of different races, physical features, and personalities.

Future Fears

The fears usually churn silently inside of me. I think I'm doing well, but my body often tells a different tale of a sickness or flare up. I hold on to known and unknown fears looming in the future. We've seen a view of life without Abby and it hurt more than I could've ever imagined.  My hands were empty as I sat next to her hospital bed because there was nothing I could grasp for control. It's taught me to "Number my days," (Psalm 90:12). Watching her motionless with tubes breathing for her was a painful reminder that tomorrow is not guaranteed. I hate this picture but love how it takes my focus off what doesn't matter and unto what does... I don't want to miss a day.

Yet all of that is swirled with so much uncertainty. She's getting older, my hope for more independence shrinks, and I'm tired... 17 years. This warrior mom is weary. I see the lines in my face and the gray creeping into the corners of my skull, but my caregiving duties haven't faded. I'm still on my knees each day putting on braces, lacing shoes, changing diapers, feeding, bathing, and begging God for more purpose. I know there is purpose but I want more, fresh purpose poured out just for today. I know instinctively it is there, but asking for God's grace to allow me to see it. I want to need less, but find myself needing MORE. But in the wanting I find more... so much more.

Jeremiah 29:13 (NIV)"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

Birthdays... such a dichotomy of emotions swirling together in a heart that is both entirely filled up with gratefulness and fears. Thankful my fears don't cancel out my faith.

Each day is a new set of "challenges". We will adjust; we always do. God has no problem leading, carrying, or wiping away my tears. He holds me close when the tears and fears are fresh rather than pushing me aside in frustration over my lack of faith. Patiently He continues to teach and helps me grow stronger with each new obstacle course. He allows me to be faint but never leaves me alone in my weakness or dark places. He's teaching me to pray for stronger shoulders rather than a lighter load.