Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Not Awesome

There are days I appreciate people who notice the struggle and encourage me,
but then there are days...


I'd like...
to go unnoticed
to hop in the car without restraints
browse around the flowers without struggling to maneuver a wheelchair
constantly distracting a resistant child, and
not be like google maps to "recalculate" a less populated path.

Don't get me wrong, most days I fully appreciate those who...

ask questions and wait for an answer
allow me to arrive late or leave early without offense
come back after being on the receiving end of an emotional vomit
are present with a hug and a prayer because sometimes there are no answers

After sixteen years most days I don't mind being the ambassador for special needs. I can paste on a grin when I'm stared at from afar and be content to be present. But on other days, I beat myself up over the desperate longing to fade into the crowd, or even just stroll around without so many eyes.

Most days I don't even notice the incessant music from the same toys that have been playing for over a decade, yet others I'm cringing at the simple screeching and clicking noises wishing they'd go unnoticed. Those are the days where the pinching, hair pulling and digging get under my skin and I need to walk away.

Maybe its the anxiousness in my soul that needs to settle before I can engage on those days? Maybe the emotions of the moment need to be worked out in my own head before they can be released in an intelligible string of words? Maybe those are the days where there are too many words and they're all too clouded in the struggle? Or maybe I'm just human and some days I'm just weary. Maybe it's okay to not be awesome.

I know I'm not afraid of communicating the hard, but I think I need to work through to the hope before I can be honest with the pain.

I've been battling the reality of walking out hard places lately. I decided to take a trip to MN with all four girls by myself. I felt confident when I purchased the tickets, but packing bags and the reality of the five hour car ride before the plane ride was making me sick to my stomach. All the "what ifs" of caring for Abby without Andy or a caregiver started to seem more crazy than challenging the night before.

Abby hasn't exactly been herself after the hospital stay over a year ago. I had to get over the fact she didn't seem to recognized me when she woke up. Those weeks in the hospital had taken away our relationship in some form or fashion. I had to become her mom again and I think I've done that. I was oddly looking forward to solidifying "us" during this time. It was a really nice thought, but the reality of her care giving needs is definitely overwhelming.

Knowing I need the Lord desperately every single day doesn't mean I've figured out how to practically do it without angst. There seems to be a gap between the knowing and the doing. Being aware of my need just isn't enough. How can I keep moving forward when the blanket of fear starts to suffocate my courage? What does walking in faith look like? I think it should feel less frightening. I didn't think the pit in my stomach would be there if I fully trusted. Being a work in progress is often more humbling than I'd like. I want to measure success in concrete terms with definable edges, but that's not exactly how it goes.

I want a magic revelation of some undiscovered biblical truth to hit me over the head and take away the anxiousness creeping in my stomach, but ironically in the midst of a walk last week the truth settled in with a lot less fanfare then I had hoped for. Life is far more simple than I make it out to be.

Keep walking...

The choice is laid before us each day... hide in the closet or keep walking. I've tried the closet gig... not so great. Choosing to move forward can be hard but its definitely empowering when our faithful God carries us across the raging rivers unharmed to remind us who HE is.  Refusing to be stalled because we trust the hand leading us gives us the courage to get out and do hard things again each day.

We keep living and answering the call on our lives makes the faith we read about come off the pages and live in the space between theory and reality. Trusting "He who began a good work will be faithful to complete it (Philippians 1:6)."

I make the choose to keep walking. Today it isn't easy. Tomorrow will be a new day...

Psalm 23

A psalm of David.

1 The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
2     He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3     he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
    for his name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,[a]
I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord

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