Thursday, September 8, 2016

Answered Prayers

Could this be what I asked for or did GOD misunderstand my prayer? Do I need to be more specific next time, or is this like the time I asked HIM for a break and ended up sick in bed to relax?

I spent the long weekend one-on-one care giving for Abby. It was exhausting but definitely beneficial so I don't lose touch with where she's at, nor will I likely take for granted the Saints that help me with her. Abby likes school, routine, her toys, and her bed. I like having my mornings with her, but I really enjoy spreading the love with other caregivers. Being without our conveniences and care givers, is a good bit less enjoyable than most view a weekend away.

I'm living a life I didn't chose, yet maybe it's exactly what I asked for? I never wanted to me normal. I wanted to make a difference in this life, but pretty sure I didn't expect to feel so weak and vulnerable in it.

The struggle is my strength

What if the struggle is actually the strength? What if the difficulties are what bring the most meaning to life? Could those tough jobs, difficult kids, and strained relationships be what refine and define us into the best parts of who we are? Could the parts of my life where I fight for joy, exhaust and disgust myself the most be the best parts of who I'm becoming?

What if all the pain is stretching me into the person I've asked the Lord to make me? I know if it wasn't hard, really hard, it probably wouldn't change me. Perhaps I wouldn't see the need for such a big God and get to know Him in this desperate way. What could happen if the words weren't from a trained pen, but a big GOD pushing (sometimes dragging) them out of me?

Over the past decade or so I've been desperate to find a place where "Happy Abby" could be found. I would do anything to help find the magic key that unlocked that door and released all her frustrations and subsequent stages of destruction and aggression. I've searched high and low for the right doctor, therapist, weighted blanket or swing hanging from the ceiling in our living room to bring her peace; yet it's always evaded us.

I've been desperate to find her calm for her sake, mine and her sisters. I'm almost embarrassed to admit that I've spent the past twelve years despairingly pleading for her sisters to get out of her way because I can't be everywhere all the time... and she'll hurt them. I had to separate the truth of her hurting us from the need to urge the smaller to realize they were quicker. It breaks my heart to say it, so I push it aside unable to deal with the fear of the damage it could cause. Every fiber of my being wants them to be apart of her life. I want them to experience the beauty in their sister, but I wonder if these seasons have darkened their lives instead of enlightened them.

What if...

What if this lack of emotion and different interaction is a heightened understanding or breakthrough in communication that's needed to usher us into a new Abby where those unsettling days fade?  Or maybe her not choosing me is her settling into her reality with a variety of care givers? Maybe she's widening her spectrum of preferential people to the point of not needing or requiring so much of me? Maybe her crying at night and in the morning are new attempts to tell me she doesn't want to be in her bed anymore. Maybe she's finally aware of her ability to move me and she's using it? Maybe she's not grabbing her sisters as much because she's accepted them and wants them to stay close?


Answered prayer?

What if HE is giving me exactly what I asked for, even if it's been a painful process? Could it be the gift I've given a lot of prayer to... a less aggressive Abby?

&

What if HE is preparing the sisters for the life HE has for them instead of the life I WANT for them? What if the chaos is shaping them into the tenderhearted, compassionate girls who love God and others fiercely... just like I've asked Him?

 I really don't know, but...

Today I HOPE
Today I TRUST
For I don't understand the METHODS, but I know the MAKER.

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