Monday, February 23, 2015

cycles

Abby's been cycling to the dark side now for over a month... maybe two.  Just a reminder this is not a race but a journey, and I need a big God to sustain.  My goal in this season is to not allow her aggression to set the tone for the whole house.  Anxiety is always up when she's like this as we have to always be on the alert to keep her from grabbing us or worse yet a sister.  Two of them are pretty used to these times and almost subconsciously get out of the way, but one little one has to be protected at all times.  Realistically, any one year old has to have eyes on her regardless of the situation.  She's not allowed to wander without a "tail" yet :)

I've stopped the "whys" after fourteen years, but along with the lack of questions comes a bit of numbness.  I don't cry as much during these seasons either; although Friday put me over the edge for awhile. We're on day four of finger painting in her bed.  She wears big onesies to keep her out of her diaper, but we're going to have to add the bike shorts back under her pants because she's like Houdini when it comes to getting out of her clothes... or getting into them.  Her discontent often is accompanied by maladaptive behaviors.  They seem to all come out during these times, which means she's not in a good place and we just continue to pluck away at possible fixes until something sticks. We're trying meds again as we wait to see a doctor who may specialize in "Abby" types... we'll have to see.

If you've been here long with me, you've read about "Crabby Abby".  She's not the much fun, but once again "You can't fully appreciate 'Happy Abby' unless you've spent some time with 'Crabby Abby'".   I despair some because these are tough days that may last for weeks or months, and truth be told there's really no promise of an end at all.  She could slip into this stage and remain there.  I pray that isn't so, but I've been around long enough to know it could happen. I don't think it will.  I still have visions of Andy and I growing old together with our "big baby" in between our "never empty nest", but that just makes me laugh and smile all at the same time, right?  I always see my sweet, happy girl which gives me hope.

I write now because I'm far away from friends and family that have decided to walk with us in this life we're given, who find the strength to hold us up in prayer despite their own busy lives.  God has chosen so many to "take a corner of our mat and carry us to Jesus" yet I still hesitate before opening the curtain during these painful days.  I still desire to not need anyone after all these years (I'm not proud of it), but I'm so grateful I do because this great need has given me so many deep friendships I never would have sought otherwise.  The more I need, the more the Lord provides.  Just when I think we couldn't possible receive more grace, he proves His never ending supply.

"Our sufficiency is of God; let us practically enjoy this truth. We are poor, leaking vessels, and the only way for us to keep full is to put our pitcher under the perpetual flow of boundless grace. Then, despite its leakage, the cup will always be full to the brim." (Spurgeon)

How can crazy be so darn cute!!!

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