Monday, April 7, 2014

Dreaming again

It's like I don't really know what I'm doing, but I keep moving forward... carried, I presume... to the next thing... and then the next.  I don't really know what the next moves are even, but somehow I "stumble" upon what is needed.  I know it's really not stumbling upon my needs, but I want you to see the blind direction lest you happened upon my blog and think I'm amazing... truth is, not so much.
 It's more like this:
Big God... Little gal

Abby ended up at a great school... weird circumstances and sort of annoying path to get there.  Wouldn't have thought to try to get her into high school, but it's a beautiful place for her with a wonderful Catholic teacher. That's not me.  I wouldn't have thought to push for high school.  I actually wasn't initially too happy about it altogether.  We were going to fight it, but decided to see it before we said anything :) 
As if being in a good place at school wasn't enough of a blessing, She also started taking the bus to school rather than just home in the afternoons.  I've been bringing her, which hasn't been super easy with a nursing baby, but there are so many details and people involved with each step that things really take time.  Patience and trust is the key to the game with kiddos like Abby.  I don't want to use my "it's a fire" voice for everything all the time.  It's better to hold that card for when it's really needed.  And there's the "I don't want them to show up to my church and be surprised that I go" thing too!
Check out the timing with this one... my green van broke down on Friday.  Andy leaves in the mornings at about 7:30am, so getting Abby to school by nine isn't really feasible for him.  He was able to come back by on Monday but it isn't something he can do on a regular basis.  The bus situation worked out to start on Tuesday.  Once again... not me :)

Saturday we were scheduled for an eval for OT, PT and Speech for a summer camp for Abby.  Yes, I said summer camp and your reaction is probably close to mine when I heard about it.  I heard there was therapy and it was a day thing so I blindly filled out the application at 11:30pm Friday night before the deadline.  I got the info in the day before registration closed, so I thought I'd go ahead and register and could always decline if it didn't work out.  I got a letter to show up for an eval, but I still hadn't had the time to look into it and didn't really know what I was going to.  I packed Abby into the car on Saturday & was pondering what I was getting us into.   I honestly hadn't thought about therapy for Abby in years.  We've only focused on getting her in a place where she could stay with us and function as part of our family.  She's been through so many unsettled and violent stages in the past that we really had settled on goals like making it through the day in school.  I didn't realize that we stopped dreaming for her... for us with her. I felt a bit like a fool as I sat there with nothing prepared as they asked me what I wanted as therapy goals for this summer.  Sure, we do IEP's and such but this is different.

What are my dreams for her? 
  1. Feeding herself: She's started drinking out of a regular cup more and more. She can bring a utensil to her mouth and return it to a plate or bowl... just need to scoop now to be independent
  2. toilet training: no diapers
  3. communicating some basic needs: bathroom, food choices, stomach ache, yes/no, more...
  4. watching where she walks to avoid more spills
  5. end the pinching, scratching, biting, & hair pulling
hmmm... this will require more thinking, praying... I don't really know anymore.

We've tossed around ideas of what Abby could do as an adult after school, but looking back now I'm not sure how close any of our ideas are to possible.
At one time we thought she might like Bulldogs as much as her dad and we'd breed them.  She could help clean up after them and love on them.  Turns out she mostly hates animals.  She freezes whenever there is a dog around.  We actually thought about getting a lap dog to protect the girls from Abby since she won't come near it!
Come on... that was funny :)
Raising animals seems to be out, but I'm not giving up yet because running a hobby farm is still on my dreams list... at least in theory for now.  I have dreams of being totally self sufficient.  Yes, that's me at the core.  I don't like relying on others... non biblical?  Yes, I know we were created for community.  I like that others need me but I'd prefer to not need them.  I thought that mentality  would free them up to be who they are and not what I needed them to be... "Allison-ism"... once again totally not biblical.  It's a pride thing... and I thought I was already so great at that!  J/K :)  I know that's why my life takes these turns of completely being overwhelmed because if it was feasible to do on my own... I totally would try.  How many times must I fall flat on my face to see I was created to be incomplete alone?  I can handle needing a big God.  I like God in me, I even like my family and God; but it's the needing others and total transparency which I practice... but totally despise.  A lesson I seem to be learning... over... and over... and over... again!
I'm so crazy with it that I remember talking to Krista, one of my dearest friends & organizer of the benefit for Millie.  We had just been told we could be there for up to four months and put in an impossible situation, yet I told her I wasn't sure we'd need a benefit...
yes, I am crazy!  That benefit has been a safety net from the realms of Heaven without a doubt!
We had so much help just trying to get us moved while I was about to have the baby and Andy had moved to start the new job.  I couldn't possible expect or ask for more.  It was a level of need I couldn't comprehend.  I knew it was too big, but I didn't want God to meet our need with others.  I wanted him to zap it from Heaven... because He obviously has a sense of humor, He did zap it from Heaven... through others :)

Another dream is to own a B and B on the ocean!  It could be a place of refuge for hurting people...
or those who are just frozen :)
Once again, there would have to be something productive she could do there, right?  I like to cook and Andy likes to visit (me too but he's better at the random social).  Perfect fit for us, right? (I'm still trying to convince Andy that it would be fun and not a burden).
Abby could cook with me?  Or I thought she may like to garden like I do because all B&B's have beautiful gardens, right?  Our Hands in the dirt together and out in the sun...
not so much.
She really hates when her hands are dirty, she doesn't regulate her temp so well, and her Scandinavian skin nearly glows in the dark!

...back to the drawing board or hitting the "hold" button?
... I don't really know.
Remembering He is a God who gives "good gifts" to His children.
He usually meets our needs in the "exceedingly, abundantly" fashion, so I'll still dream a bit, plan if I can, but ultimately I'll be content to take up the space in the co-pilot chair and watch in anticipation where He takes us.
This is who I dream to be... content to be led rather than fighting for the reigns and begging for answers...
Bear with me... I'm a work in progress, too

We recently filled out an assessment for school in preparation for her IEP.  Since she's in High School now they start to plan for her life after school.  It's not like we haven't given it some (a lot) of thought, but we really have no idea what she could do.  I hate assessments because they bring us face to face with a reality we know but need to tuck away... for sanity's sake.
You see, the idea of being "empty nest-ers" doesn't sound all that horrible to us (don't judge :).  Actually, we wish it was possible. We love our girls, but we also love just being...
 I like the idea of having a son (in law) someday... grandchildren.
 MaryAlice reminded me of this reality about a month ago.  She was cuddling me, and out of nowhere said, "Abby will never get married.  You'll take care of her when you're a grandma."
She's right...
I didn't have the heart to tell her that she might actually be the one caring for her :)

it's back on my "to do" list...

special olympics...

I know it's not the best picture, but how often are we this close for long enough to get a pic... love this gal!

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