Monday, September 30, 2013

Now What?

she likes her "play corner" sometimes :)
I've always known intellectually I need help beyond myself... to maintain my sanity and have something to give; but there's always been a part of me that prided myself in the fact that I could "pull it off" if needed... but I'm painfully more and more aware that if the Lord doesn't lead this parade, there's no hope.  We've always read about not worrying about tomorrow because today has enough to worries of its own, but I never really wanted to see that reality of only having enough strength to deal with today.  I wanted to preserve my control over the little scrap of this life I've clung on to like a toddler's blankie, but it's gone.  Saying it's a roller coaster implies fun, and this is certainly not anywhere in the same amusement park as fun.

sick Abby was at least a little sweet in the ER when Danielle cuddled her as she drifted in and out of sleep

We've been frustrated with Abby's increased aggression, but have been trouble shooting and trying new things since spring... it's fall and it's definitely gotten progressively worse.  She roams around the house grabbing and throwing anything she can get her hands on... all the time.  She tossed the blu ray player and was tugging at the tv on the wall before I stopped her this weekend.  I've cleared most of the clutter and left a few items such as chairs, a plant and lamp, but unfortunately... they are all in play now :(  She used to settle during feeding, changing, dressing, and bathing, but that ship has sailed as well.

She pinches, scratches, yanks hair, hits and bites all day.
Anyone who is within her reach is fair game.
There is no one she attacks less or more.
There is no special time of day when she is tired that brings it on or shuts it down
she wakes up doing it on school days and off days...
seemingly happy or apparently agitated.
With new people or familiar faces.
At home and in school, the store or the park, in the pool or on a walk...
There is no pattern...
there is no rhyme or reason.
There is no response or attention she is seeking or trying to eliminate... unless is is all human contact around her.
It is simply the new normal...
and frankly it sucks!

I was a teacher.  I used to be told I had amazing patience.  Not so much anymore.  I'm being attacked for the better part of each day.  I'm bloody, bruised... worn... beat up physically and emotionally.  We are constantly trouble shooting to accommodate the changes and preserve us and those who lovingly work with her to give us a break. We put up gates, move the breakables, and put her and us in time outs.  I try not to imagine the future other than changing for the better because the alternative hurts just too much.

This week she learned that if she cries we all come running.  See... Abby has an unusually high pain tolerance, so when she cries she's usually really hurt.  She has been sick this past week and has done a lot of crying, but when the meds should've kicked in and I walk into the room as she turns it off...
I've seen this before!
She's playing me ;{
We've added yelling and crying to her list of pleasantries.  It makes diagnosing an illness that much more difficult than before.

I still have some hope that maybe something is wrong and there will be a magic strategy or pill that will bring my Abby back.  It's what gets me up in the morning to see the "formally happiest morning child ever".  She used to be like Christmas morning every day!  She has the best smile in the world and she used to light up when she saw me in the mornings.  Hugs and kisses were standard, as well as random chatting and sing-song sounds.  A general contentedness...  I still go into her room singing or playing music to keep myself calm, but now I arm myself with rubber bands to put on the ends of her long sleeves to keep her from hurting me (especially before my coffee) or in her pants before I can clean her up.  I'm still in the reactive stage where I restrain after I'm attacked, but I wonder if I should start a preemptive strike sequence?  Once again, I set the bar a bit lower and try not to spend too much time mourning the loss...

Her new bed is a life saver in so many ways, but she's learned how to dislodge that as well.  I laughed when I saw the big bar that went across the doors for added support because there are already three locks on the gates and it seemed like overkill...it is not.  I found out what the bar is used for now after she banged on the gate until it popped open this week.  Arrggg...  The next step is a half or 3/4 door since a child gate is an slight obstacle rather than a detainment anymore.

I do have my moments when I wonder about keeping my sanity, but she also has two sisters (soon to be three) as well who must tolerate her sneak attacks.  Not exactly what a mom is going for with siblings.  My life may not be normal, but my desire for a relationship among my girls is.  This is one of the biggest reasons I home school.  It seems healthy to have at least part of their day in a peaceful home environment, right?  I fear the effects of this life on them, but once again a battle I cannot fight or win... it's not even mine to stage.  That's a blog for a different day :)


I found this in my phone... Belle had made it
I make more appointments.
See more doctors.
Hope someone has something we hadn't thought of.
Maybe she is sick?
Maybe her braces hurt?
Maybe she's psychotic and needs meds!

A safe distance to feed her... and a weird outfit to keep her from "digging"...her best skill



1 comment:

  1. Sometimes it takes me a while to comment as well. Then there are times were there are no comments to make. We love you all, miss you all and continue to pray!

    ReplyDelete

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