Monday, April 1, 2013

One Scary Wednesday

I titled this post "Sick and Happy" and started to write about how amazingly happy Abby has been.  We enjoyed our first Christmas break where she was home all day and happy to play and go from lap to lap for cuddles.  We started her spring break in the same manner.  She had been sick with a cold the week before, so she ended up missing over two weeks for her break instead of just one.  The great thing this time was that she was sick and cuddly rather than sick and angry.  Being home with her was sweet rather than an endurance test of patience with too many bloody scratches and pinches.  It's so hard to console a girl when she's sick and angry, but this time she was sick and cuddly.  We were thoroughly enjoying our "sick days" with Abby & I had to write about this amazing change!

 


We know our lives can change at any moment.  We're not promised a smooth path or even tomorrow, but nothing really could've prepared us for what came this particular Wednesday evening.  We had a lovely day, actually.  There were three adults here as a pca was working and another one was visiting to see if she wanted to become a pca.  Abby was very agreeable and it was a good day.  If someone hadn't been with her every moment of this day,  I would've wondered if she had eaten something toxic or knocked her head to cause the reaction that came later that evening.  Luckily it was me who was with her so there was no denial of the mysterious nature of what took place.  I was just getting back home as Danielle (veteran pca)  had arrived shortly before to change places with Allie for the evening.  Abby had been sleeping, which wasn't abnormal for her when she is well, let alone recovering.  She woke up a bit distraught and seemingly uncomfortable.  She was yawning which usually indicated she would soon be throwing up, so Danielle gave her some anti nausea meds and was trying to do the normal comforting to no avail.  I came in to tag team her and see if she needed mama.  After about 45 min of struggling with her and watching her escalate, we got daddy to help out.  I was rattled and he thought maybe she needed a fresh perspective. 
I went downstairs to put dinner together with MA as Belle was gone for the night (grateful Belle didn't have to carry this night with her & hoping MA is too young to be affected by it).  I got downstairs and the tears just poured out in silent streams.  I didn't want to scare MA anymore than the screaming already had, but I couldn't help it.  I focused on the meal as best as I could through the blur.   It's tough to watch her suffering and not being able to gather her in my arms and comfort her because she's attacking me.  It's such a helpless feeling to have no idea what is going on. 

I put some salve on my wounds and tried to busy myself amidst her persistent yelling upstairs.  She continued to escalate.  We managed to get her ready for bed and get her bedtime meds down, which she normally won't take if she's sick to her stomach, so we ruled upset stomach out.  We gave her Tylenol in case she was in pain, but it didn't seem to touch it.  Andy pushed around to see if she had pain somewhere in case maybe she was having an appendicitis attack, but nothing seemed to make it better or worse.  After a couple hours of the three of us taking turns trying to get her to calm, sleep meds and pain meds unaffecting her, Andy picked her up and put her into the car. 

We are almost thirty minutes from the hospital and she fussed the entire way. After troubleshooting with some doctors and nurses we arrived at suspecting a migraine, but still had to rule out a mass of other stuff by x-ray, blood work & a catheter because she can't communicate (which is the biggest reason we avoid the ER like a plague).  Within a few minutes of the "migraine cocktail" (three meds in two shots in her hip) hitting her system she finally calmed down.  As quick as turning a light switch, she was fast asleep.  I actually had to lift her unto the bed from chair and they had to physically hold her in place to take the x-rays. 

We've suspected migraines for over a year now, but she's always responded to anti nausea drugs, a dark room and 12-14 hours of sleep w/o drugs.  Andy has suffered from migraines for years just like his mom does.  Since there is often a genetic component we've suspected it but it's never been totally confirmed like it was here.  We try not to worry about things before we have to deal with them.   She has enough current issues that we need not borrow worry from the "in case" basket. 

Grateful they found the cause. 
Grateful it was nothing more serious. 
Sad she has to deal with these too now. 

We've been rattled this past week, and hyper vigilant when she appears to start getting upset so we can treat it before it's too late; but once again reminded of my role...
mom...
not God. 
He still has her in His hands.
He's in charge and I am not. 
I feel small yet relieved that whatever happens to her is in His plan.  I'm reminded that this life is but a breath.  I can stop life and be overcome with fear as I've been tempted to do before (and will be again) or I can let go a little more of the life I try in vain to control.  I can allow this to put back into perspective who I am and what role I am to play.  I can be faithful or paralyzed.  Can I take the good and refuse the bad, or can I remember there is so much more going on in this life that I don't see?  I can scream "It's not fair!" or I can rest in the fact that "His grace is sufficient" and be thankful I know that to be true.  I can long for the day when He will wipe away our tears.  I can dream of the perfection of body & mind Abby will one day have in eternity. 
For today...  I hurt,
I will shed some tears; but I will grow in my dependence upon my God who is able...
and my faith in the things I cannot see to fix the problems I cannot solve. 

I'll can definitely sit back and enjoy these days of contentment so much more than I would've if that Wednesday hadn't happened...


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