Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Waiting in the Darkness...

If you know me very well, you'd say I'm pretty good at change... compared to most at least.  In many ways we've learned to adjust our lives to the ever changing reality it is.  We hold our hopes and dreams loosely because there just is no way we can force our world into a box.  I guess that is why we hold our purposes and missions with open hands too. 

We are where we are supposed to be today, but tomorrow?... we're not even promised tomorrow. 
I desire to walk rightly today and then do it again tomorrow. 
I plan to follow... more than just follow a plan. 
I'd like to work a plan, but it's not what I've been given. 
I've been given today...
"fresh with no mistakes,"  says Anne with an "e" one of my favorite book characters of all time from Anne of Green Gables

I still want to be pregnant
I want to be planning for baby #4
I want to be expanding rather than trying to fit back into my old clothes with nothing to show from the extra pounds
I want to be feeling the baby growing inside me instead of seeing the still ultrasound screen play over and over in my head
I don't want to be a part of the "loss my baby" circle rather than the expectant mother's club

I am not...
that's not who I am right now. 
I can't be. 
It was the plan, but plans change and
I'm not good at change this time. 

Honestly, I'm a bit lost
Waiting in the darkness because I know there's light at the other side of this passage. 
Oswald Chambers said in My Utmost for His Highest this morning that when you're in a time of darkness, be quiet and be still.  The quiet is where you'll hear him. 
It's quiet now...
Remembering who I am, and holding on to the promise that healing will come... along with a renewed sense of purpose through these pains...
Waiting in the darkness

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