Thursday, February 11, 2010

Wait...

What really happens when He says, "Wait"?  What takes place in those minutes, hours, days, or months while we wait?  How much insanity, instability & the like can a person really handle?  I've seriously contemplated, while flat on my face this week, "what can be done"?  I'm empty.  I've got nothing left to give.  I operate out of an empty vessel.  I function... barely.

I pleaded with our social worker to find these babies another home... for the third week in a row.  When things go from bad to worse, what comes next?  When I was hanging on to my last ounce of sanity a month ago, where do you think I am now?  I told them I can't do this. I can't operate in this place I'm at even a moment longer.  They sigh & say they're doing the best they can, but it's not good enough!  We sent the babies to respite last weekend and paid for it all week with whiney, insecure babies who fussed & wanted to be held all day. Impossible with one mom and only two arms.

I made it up the stairs tonight, but fell asleep in the hallway... less than 20 feet from my bedroom.  I was supposed to pick Andy up at the airport at five, bring him home & get out for an evening with the girls at a purse party.  It was keeping me going the past four days.  I've spent naptime flat on my face begging God to do something... silence. 

Andy's still on the tarmac in Dallas.  He won't be home tonight.  As sorry as I feel for myself as I will have to get all five kids up, ready & out of the house by eight, I actually feel sort of sorry for him as he's spent the majority of his day not only in the airport but mostly on the tarmac waiting for takeoff. 

I woke up to spill some emotion on the page, so I didn't have to hold it all inside.  I got to the party after putting all the kids into bed & running out with Abby's PCA agreeing to stay a bit later so I could make my party.  I made an appearance because as much as I'm wrapped up in my own life, I'm still a sister & she needed me there as much as I wanted (& needed) to be there.  I made a quick stop at the grocery store because I haven't been able to leave the house as we are in our second week of the babies mom not showing up for visits.  

Upon arriving home I went to make sure everyone was covered up & found one of the babies & the entire crib filled with vomit.  After cleaning it up & consoling enough to get him back down, putting a load of laundry on the sanitize cylcle (PTL) I made it to the top of the stairs & that was it. 

So... if the Lord released us emotionally with these two honies, that call me mom, then why aren't we being released physically?  They are ours for a season (they just don't know that)?  I'm the only mom they've really known.  The reality of leaving them in respite care last weekend sunk in... how would my kids feel if I dropped them off for two weekends in a row?  A bit insecure?  I love them.  I want to do what is best for them, but I can't do anymore with my hands tied.  I'm trusting the Lord to take the action needed to free us all from this dreadful situation that is draining us physically & emotionally.  But what happens when the Lord is silent?  What happens when He says wait...

1 comment:

  1. So much goes under the radar to those of us looking from the outside in. My lovely sister you are truely a gift from God to me. I love you buckets!

    ReplyDelete

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