Saturday, September 26, 2009

This is how it feels to be HELD...

When my sobbing quieted I was still before my God and once again felt how it is to be held. The tears will come again, but the hands that hold me will always be there. That is why this life is possible. Healing rain? My hands are outstretched, empty. I have nothing . I wait for answers to even the questions I don't know how to ask. I wait.

There is a time for everything under the sun. A time to mourn and a time to rejoice. We've been rejoicing over the miracle we've seen in Abby as she entered her new school this year. From the first day she made it the entire day in the classroom with her peers. I never thought I'd see that day! Absolutely amazing to say the very least. From the very first day of school she has been happy. We pull into the schoolyard and she grins from ear to ear. Our joy has turned to sadness.

We no sooner found a school who would let her be there since the public school was refusing to do what was best for her than we got a call from the county saying we couldn't use our Personal Care Attendant (PCA) in school. They said the school district must provide someone for school, but they won't. They want us to send a totally vulnerable, potentially explosive child to a new school with a person neither of us have even met and hopefully that person can keep her safe and happy. Not going to happen! It is an impossible task to take on a child like Abby without spending a great deal of time with her. I've been training PCA's in our home now for years, and I cringe when I have to train someone new because it is such a lengthy process. Training can take months. i don't even leave her with someone in our home for quite some time. Abby is nonverbal and operates around one to two years of age developmentally. She can be wonderful to be around once you learn to read her communication. She often knows what she wants, but not understanding her communication frustrates her into a lot of often violent behaviors.

The school has hired someone to be with Abby for the past three years but have decided to arbitrarily change that person because there is someone with more seniority in the union who wants more hours and automatically gets the job... without regard for Abby and her needs whatsoever. It sounds ludicrous to reinvent the wheel and frustrate a child like Abby. We have in turn asked the school to just pay the PCA in the private school since she is doing remarkably well there, but they have refused. Abby was only going to school for less than three hours a day last year with very limited time in the actual classroom. In the new school she is going all day. Where is the logical argument for moving her? There is none. The school can pay for the PCA in the private school, legally; but said they are unwilling to do so.

Here I sit bewildered at what is taking place. We have to remove her from the private school where she is happy, and place her in a large public school with whoever they feel like putting with her that day. It is not only torturing her, but unsafe.

I like a plan. I like to feel like I have some control. I have nothing. I'm out of suggestions for God :) Maybe that is where He wants me. When I've reached the end of me I start relying on him 100% because I have nothing. What percent do I normally seek Him for? This world is evil, but God can make good from the bad. When He does it will be so much more than I could ask or imagine. I cry in my humanly helpless state. I cannot do what is best for my daughter. I must rely on God to do with us as He sees fit.


  1. Allison, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's madness. Still, I know it will work out. I have to remind myself that God loves our kids even more than we love them! He wants the best, and it will come around.

    You're in my thoughts and prayers,

  2. I cried for you as I read this blog post. I am so sorry for your pain, Allison. Continuing to pray for some encouragement to come to you soon.



Search This Blog

Popular Posts

Blog Archive